Memory loss is the mother of invention

Idon’t know why or when it started. It has alternated as a source of irritation and mild amusement to the Arty Woman. And it grows more frequent as age takes its toll on my once proud vocabulary. Spigot, I say, when the name of something escapes me in the excitement of the moment.

Pointless is on; pass the TV spigot. The dog’s hungry – I’ll have to fill up its spigot. Where’s the pointy spigot for the end of the Hoover?

Well, at least it’s a real word, unlike thingumybob, whatsit, or even Woojington McFlip, which was tweeted by poet and novelist Sophie Hannah as her own, default, mind-blank substitute.

Oh, you may think this is all lightweight nonsense, but you never know when academics might make a study of such linguistic diversions.

And at least we’re helping the conversation along, unlike the so-called “filled pauses” of ‘um’ and ‘er’, which – according to news reports – are now subject to serious research at institutions in the USA, Germany, the Netherlands and even Edinburgh.

The Times was so excited it dug out a recording of The Andrew Marr Show and counted Ukip leader Nigel Farage completing 15 ers and two ums during an interview, confirming suspiciously sexist data that men and older people prefer to er while women have more noticeable ums.

I won’t confuse matters by telling them that a male friend of mine covers his pauses with “er-um-er” in case they’re already busy analysing the redundant use of “so” and “like” in 21st-century speech.

What? Oojamaflip? Yes, another handy one, maybe a regional variation on Woojington. You can’t help liking that, especially from such an accomplished writer.

Sophie Hannah has just published the first post-Agatha Christie Poirot novel, The Monogram Murders.

I wonder if she’s used Woojington McFlip in there? I’ll have to put it on me Christmas spigot.

‘The Times was so excited it dug out a recording of The Andrew Marr Show and counted Ukip leader Nigel Farage completing 15 ers and two ums during an interview’