CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN

He seems terribly up-to-date with county affairs. He said: “I use that interweb thing and read KentOnline. It’s great to keep track on who’s been good – and who’s been bad.

“I don’t rely on only letters from boys and girls anymore. Stamps cost a fortune so the Elves also intercept emails and text messages.”

Just then Mrs Claus walked in from the kitchen where she had been making mince pies. She looked very harassed. With a wag of her flour-caked finger she told Santa: “Remember, no drinking and driving. Leave all that sherry for the dads.”

Then she confided: “Do you know, he came back completely sozzled last year? You should have seen the mess he made of trying to carve the turkey!”

Because of the world’s different time zones and the rotation of the earth Santa has 31 hours to carry out his mammoth delivery. Even so, he must clock up 58,020 visits a minute travelling at 650 miles per second – that’s 3,000 times the speed of sound. That could explain why children sometimes hear strange noises on Christmas Eve as Santa crashes through the sound barrier.

Helping him will be his nine favourite reindeer: Dasher; Dancer; Prancer; Vixen; Comet; Cupid; Donner and Blitzen. They will be led by Rudolph who, as the front-runner, absorbs the most air friction which explains why his nose is permanently red.

It is his job to look out for bad weather. As Santa said: “Rudolph, the red, knows rain, dear.” Happy Christmas!