Bad lan­guage just isn’t for me – I swear

Kent Messenger Maidstone - - FRONT PAGE -

Swear­ing demon­strates a very small vo­cab­u­lary. It’s not big and it’s not clever. Well, that’s what I was taught and col­leagues will con­firm I never ut­ter an oath at work. Hon­est. I might, how­ever, let slip the oc­ca­sional F-word when at home. In times of great stress I have yelled “Flip­pin’ heck” quite loudly, to the con­ster­na­tion of oth­ers.

In my youth I was riled eas­ily by late trains or buses and would think noth­ing of hurl­ing strongly-worded ad­vice to tele­vi­sion mo­rons, even though I sus­pected they could never hear me on the other side of the screen.

But the ad­vanc­ing years have had a sooth­ing ef­fect. In­stead of get­ting grumpier I no longer fly into a rage at the drop of a hat.

I have be­come mag­nan­i­mous in my dotage and more tol­er­ant of inan­i­mate ob­jects which have a knack of de­vel­op­ing a mind of their own.

How­ever, there are still two things which can bring me to the edge of rea­son. The first is the rather broad sub­ject of new tech­nol­ogy, or to be pre­cise, com­put­ers.

After years of work­ing with them I still can’t fathom how the brutes mess up on the most sim­ple of tasks. Our sys­tem here has re­cently taken to nod­ding off when it thinks I’m not look­ing which sends me into a tor­nado of apoplexy.

But my most fe­ro­cious swear words are re­served for the kitchen. When did eggs sud­denly think it was funny to start spit­ting at the cook from the fry­ing pan? The blighters have no man­ners. Surely in this day and age boffins can cre­ate spit-less eggs?

In the mean­time, feel free to share your own rants by email­ing jnur­den@thek­m­ Just don’t ex­pect a civil an­swer...

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