Bad language just isn’t for me – I swear

Swearing demonstrates a very small vocabulary. It’s not big and it’s not clever. Well, that’s what I was taught and colleagues will confirm I never utter an oath at work. Honest. I might, however, let slip the occasional F-word when at home. In times of great stress I have yelled “Flippin’ heck” quite loudly, to the consternation of others.

In my youth I was riled easily by late trains or buses and would think nothing of hurling strongly-worded advice to television morons, even though I suspected they could never hear me on the other side of the screen.

But the advancing years have had a soothing effect. Instead of getting grumpier I no longer fly into a rage at the drop of a hat.

I have become magnanimous in my dotage and more tolerant of inanimate objects which have a knack of developing a mind of their own.

However, there are still two things which can bring me to the edge of reason. The first is the rather broad subject of new technology, or to be precise, computers.

After years of working with them I still can’t fathom how the brutes mess up on the most simple of tasks. Our system here has recently taken to nodding off when it thinks I’m not looking which sends me into a tornado of apoplexy.

But my most ferocious swear words are reserved for the kitchen. When did eggs suddenly think it was funny to start spitting at the cook from the frying pan? The blighters have no manners. Surely in this day and age boffins can create spit-less eggs?

In the meantime, feel free to share your own rants by emailing jnurden@thekmgroup.co.uk. Just don’t expect a civil answer...