‘My abuser continued to kick me at seven months pregnant’
For 10 years, Sadie endured mental and physical abuse at the hands of the person meant to love her the most. Now she is helping other women break free of domestic violence. Temi Adedeji went to meet her at a new secret hub for abuse survivors...
Sadie sits poised with a cup of tea in her hand in a Tunbridge Wells café, donning a cheery smile.
By looking at her you would never know she’d suffered 10 years of abuse at the hands of her former partner - or that the café was in fact a secret support hub for survivors of domestic violence.
Sadie, (not her real name), is there to help others who have been in similar situations in her role as an Independent Domestic Abuse Advisor (IDVA).
Working for charity Look Ahead, she deals with the issues which affect more than two million people a year in England and Wales.
A study last year estimated there were 40,000 female survivors of domestic abuse in Kent alone in 2019/20.
Domestic violence includes physical or sexual attacks, violent, threatening or controlling behaviour, economic or financial exploitation and psychological or emotional abuse.
Sadie’s day-to-day work includes sign-posting men and women in abusive partnerships to the right support, carrying out risk assessments and connecting with other agencies to ensure people are getting the right help.
Look Ahead has now started a support bubble called Serenity Café in Tunbridge Wells to allow women to reconnect with themselves after abusive relationships, through activities, socialising and help with
employment.
Sadly, Sadie’s passion for her work stems from a traumatic place - and a history of pain and addiction.
The 36-year-old mother-of-two, now based in Tunbridge Wells, remembers a ‘toxic’ upbringing and seeing her own mother being tormented.
She said: “My mum was with an abusive partner, who was using alcohol.
“That went on from the age of six or seven through to about 12/13.
“He was physically abusive and verbally abusive.
“I didn’t feel safe and secure. You look at your parent as a protector, but because of how she was being impacted by the abuse, she wasn’t able to give us children the support and safety we needed.
“It made it quite difficult. In
my early teens, there was a bit of resentment, because I didn’t understand what was happening.
“It impacted our relationship, and it still does to this day.”
Sadie explained how the instability in her home life opened up the opportunity for her abuser to come into her life.
Sadie recollected how she met him at the age of 15 at a party.
She added: “I saw him as a knight in shining armour, you know, it was a way out of that household.
“It was a way of breaking that tie with my mum and removing myself from a toxic household. Little did I know, I was moving from one situation to another.
“He would shower me with gifts and money, we’d go out, I had everything I wanted.
“He would get up in the morning and put £100 on the side and
tell me to do what I want that day.”
By then, Sadie had left home and began living with her abuser, as he did not want her staying in the company of her friends at her family home.
That’s when his behaviour began to change.
She explained: “I think the red flags started to pop up around 10 months in, because then we had a couple of friends in that circle that were involved in sport and they were doing public shows and I was going to those events which I had never done before.
“I noticed it because he’d literally hold my hand and I couldn’t leave his side. He literally gripped my hand for the whole four or five hours we were out unless he went to the toilet.
“But then when he would go, he would tell people to keep an eye on me.
“It’s only then I noticed that and when we were having a girls’ night, I was never allowed to go.
“After a year, we had been out at a venue and one of my uncle’s friends approached me and was like, ‘Hi, how are you?
How’s your family?’.”
Sadie described how her partner accused her of sleeping with the man and stripped her of her clothing in the street.
When she protested about the humiliating experience her partner hit her.
She said: “That’s when I got the first punch in the face.
“I was stuck, I couldn’t go home to no food in the fridge as money was being spent on alcohol.”
Sadie says she endured cycles of this abuse.
She said: “Sometimes he’d be apologetic, other times, he would just walk out the house for hours on end and just come back whenever he felt like it.
“And then when he came back, it was the silent treatment. He would kind of just get into bed and just lay there for ages making me feel really anxious.
“And then all of a sudden, he said, ‘what, you’re not going to give me a cuddle?’”
Having started taking cocaine at 17, two years later Sadie had an addiction and her habit saw her take three to four grams a day at certain points.
After a night of being sick, she was told by doctors she was pregnant, and even then the abuse did not stop.
She said: “I was seven months pregnant with my son and laying on the floor being kicked.
“All I cared about was protecting my stomach and keeping my unborn child safe.
“His parents actually walked in the room, saw it happening and walked back out.
“I couldn’t sleep on my back for weeks because of the bruising.”
Sadie described the rollercoaster of emotions she felt during the relationship, adding: “I lost myself in the process, from shame, guilt, embarrassment to anger and frustration, to confusion to trying to work out who I was.”
Sadie decided to leave him at the age of 25 after he was sent to prison for a separate offence.
During this time she would go to playgroups at local churches where she saw how other mothers interacted with their children and how they looked and how she felt in comparison.
However, it was only after a police officer gave her a number for Bromley council, which then passed her on to a safe refuge, that she finally escaped.
Sadie credits three people with helping her through those lonely times - two women from the refuge centre and a man from the local authority who helped support and advise her along her journey.
In 2014 Sadie managed to gain a lifetime restraining order against her former partner, a move which fully allowed her to move on from her past.
She added: “If anyone is going to get you through or support you while living in it or support you to get out or support you to rebuild your life, IDVAs are exactly what you need.
“We’re non-judgmental, we understand it, we are not here to tell you what to do, we’re here to support and guide you.”
Yvette Hazelden, Look Ahead’s strategic domestic abuse lead in Kent, said: “When women leave an abusive relationship, they can feel lonely and isolated.
“The abuse they’ve experienced often leaves them with physical and mental scars that take time to heal.
“The café will be such a healing place because women can speak to others who have been in the same situation.
“They have been through a living hell - but their future is full of great possibilities.
“Sometimes it is hard to see this, so a supportive environment, such as the Serenity Cafe, is a place where women can start to rebuild their lives.”
‘I lost myself in the process, from shame, guilt, embarrassment to anger and frustration, to confusion to trying to work out who I was’