Complaints about council on the trail of a crumpet

Ihave long considered myself to be something of a crumpet connoisseur. I find that Ashford, alas, has little to offer a chap as discriminating as I. Some are too doughy, some too sweet, some even leathery. But when the inner man becomes desperate, a tour of the local supermarkets has to be undertaken and, regrettably, second best accepted.

It was on such a foray recently that I found myself padding along the aisles behind a chunky female of mature years. She was wearing a top with a low-slung back. The garment revealed what appeared to be a tattooed facsimile of her family tree. Unable to squeeze past, I eavesdropped on the conversation she was having with a friend whose build would, I venture, be unlikely to promote her a career as a lap-dancer. Had the two ladies been slighter in build and lower in testosterone, I might have remonstrated with them. As it was, discretion swamped any faint idea I might have had of valour.

Atypically for Ashford residents, they were complaining about our caring council. They held forth about the perceived inadequacy of the town centre. ‘But there have,’ I muttered to myself, ‘been improvements, even though the metalwork is painted black’.

“And as for them weeds ... walking down our road, you might as well be going through the

‘As a staunch defender of the council and all its works, my hackles rose’

jungle,” said one.

As a staunch defender of the council and all its works, my hackles rose at this. ‘How else are the councillors to speculate on the creation of denser population and expand their small empires if they can’t raise the money now by getting rid of a few hedge and verge trimmers? Surely this is what is nowdays known as a no-brainer.’

Personally, I’m all in favour of a touch of verdancy; thriving hedgerows and burgeoning verges are Mother Nature’s way of asserting that, in spite of all the urbanisation imposed upon her, Ashford is still centre of the Garden of England; fertility and fecundity abound here. Apart from which, conservationists have long decried the destruction of wildlife habitats. Well, here is proof that Ashford is in the vanguard when it comes to providing comforting environments for rodentia and lepidoptera.

But, to return to the far more important matter of crumpets; I eventually found a few packets tucked away on a bottom shelf and bore one to the checkout. Its contents proved to be both oversweet and leathery.