just WATCH THE FILM!

Unless you’re at a children’s screening, youngsters chatting in cinemas is annoying. Even if you’re at a children’s screening, children running up and down the aisles is annoying.

I can only imagine how apocalyptically irritating it would be to try and watch a film in the same room as they are screaming, jumping around and frolicking in a ball pit. Audiences in the US are about to find out.

The Cinépolis chain, based in Mexico but moving into the US, is launching Cinépolis Junior, auditoriums devoted exclusively to children’s films. The seats will be bright and colourful, there will be an expanded array of snacks and there will even be bean bag chairs right at the front for anyone longing for neck pain. That’s all stuff you’ve probably seen before at some British cinema chains. But then it gets more questionable... A huge soft play area will be connected to the screening room, which will be open before and after the film starts.

So, at a minimum, you’re going to have sweaty, red-faced children being expected to sit quietly minutes after tearing around and yelling. What’s more, they’re still going to be able to see the play area. I don’t care if your five-year-old is the biggest Star Wars fan in the world and you’re at the world premiere of Episode 8 – they’re going to be tempted by slides and cargo nets.

Any parent who has ever taken their youngster to soft play will know that the post-play buzz can last quite a while. Children have endless energy reserves and once they’ve tapped into the well, it can be hard to stem the flow.

Now, the implication is that the play area will be off-limits while the film is on. However in recent interviews, Cinépolis said it’s “considering leaving the house lights on during the movie so that restless children can easily get up to play”. Which sounds like hell. Nice people – people like me and you – would control our children and prevent them from disturbing other cinemagoers. But not everyone is as polite and respectful as us, are they? Some people behave like huge barely-sentient warts, born to consume and create nought but strife. They’re the ones that concern me. When you think about it a little more, it becomes obvious that the house lights will have to remain up, too. Cinépolis appears to be run by idiots, but even they must recognise the dangers (physical and legal) of letting children loose on climbing frames in near darkness.

I don’t want to seem too po-faced, but cinemas – and the films they show – deserve at least a modicum of respect. I don’t want a future filled with people who were trained that screening rooms are bright, noisy places, where you can do whatever you want. I understand how ideas like this come to fruition. Cinemas are fighting for their lives and are eager to find what makes them different to their competitors. This is why we’re getting so many gimmicks: 4D shaky seats, waiter service, phone-friendly screenings...

In China, there’s a chain that helps people live out their Mystery Science Theater 3000 fantasies, by letting them text their ‘hilarious’ comments onto the screen during movies. But cinema works best when the main attractions – the films themselves – are able to shine. No amount of distractions and sideshows is going to make Space Chimps 2 watchable. Equally, those bells and whistles are only going to detract from actually good children’s movies… like Space Chimps 1. Cinépolis’s first two Cinépolis Junior screens open in Los Angeles and San Diego this week, but I haven’t heard anything about any UK chains considering the idea. Join me in taking to the streets if it makes its way across the Atlantic.

Cinépolis said it’s ‘considering leaving the house lights on during the movie so that restless children can easily get up to play’. Which sounds like hell.

One cinema chain is considering soft play area for before and afters screenings

Children chatting in cinema screenings can be annoying