County Hall’s patronising meddlers should stay cool

You might have thought that last Wednesday’s oneday heatwave in Canterbury would have been a cause for mini-celebration.

It was a day when our temperate little island in the North Sea experienced the sort of heat that our Continental neighbours are used to seeing each and every summer.

Rejoice! Rejoice! After a series of cool summers punctuated by a few hot days here and there, the forecasters told us we were to get a fortnight of heat – a rarity in these here parts.

What, sadly, is not so rare is the ability of this nation’s legion of meddlesome bureaucrats and killjoys to convert a moment of pleasure into a cause for concern and alarm.

As Canterbury prepared for one of its hottest days in a decade, Conservativecontrolled Kent County Council decided to use taxpayers’ money to dole out patronising advice on how to stay safe – even on how stay alive – as the temperature rose to just over 30 degrees.

I say advice, but it read more like a series of diktats to me: “Stay out of the sun during the hottest part of the day, drink cold drinks regularly such as water, and avoid tea, coffee and alcohol.”

It even wants us to check on elderly neighbours, people whose ages would suggest they’ve already done a decent job of staying alive in all sorts of weather conditions.

I can just imagine what would happen if I went to the old bloke I live near in the city centre.

“Mr Johnson, Mr Johnson! It is I, Harry, saviour of the aged and infirm. I’m just doing my public duty as laid down by KCC and intruding into your life. You didn’t answer the door, which immediately led me to believe that you were on death’s door because it is 32 degrees outside.”

“I’m on the toilet – now get out of my house!”

KCC’s press release implied a number of things: that we are essentially stupid, utterly illiterate about the ways of the world and could never work out for ourselves that a cold drink is a good idea in hot weather.

Are there people all over Kent tottering around in a moronic stupor wondering what the hell is going on?

“What is this sensation of heat or warmth that I feel upon my arm, Hermione? That bright orange globe in the distant sky appears to be very bright at the moment. I wonder if the two are in any way connected?”

Surely if KCC is so maniacally obsessed with rescuing people from heat exposure, it would have closed down every travel agent in the county since they trouser millions sending people to their certain deaths in sunnier climes.

Those of us who go on foreign holidays do so with the express purpose of seeking sunshine and temperatures hotter than Kent has ever experienced.

Perhaps KCC should send a penpusher in a Burton suit and hi-vis tabard to the beaches of Marbella, Marrakesh and Mauritius to issue hot weather advice to holiday-makers.

As they board the tourist coach from the airport, they are joined by a gormless council official: “Please note that any male or female persons – or a combination of the twain thereof – should imbibe chilled non-alcoholic beverages should they begin to feel their core temperatures rising.

“These liquids can be rendered significantly cooler through the addition of cubes of frozen water, which can be obtained from shops and restaurants.”

Of the KCC directives contained in its press release last week, the one about cold drinks was the most pointless and insulting.

But it was not the most idiotic.

Another told us to seek out the coolest room in the house and sit in it. In my case, this would be the toilet. Small and with a tiny window, it doesn’t get too hot.

What am I supposed to do in there? Read? I suppose Christopher Booker’s The Mad Officials would be as a good a book as any to leaf through.

Perhaps there are people, someone horrible from Ashford for example, taking the instructions too literally and clambering into their fridges and nestling among the scotch eggs and Angel Delight.

But think about this for a minute: an arm of government is actually telling us which part of our private homes we should be in. As far as I’m aware, this is a first.

Amazingly, the authority went even further, instructing people not to leave their homes.

Don’t enjoy the sunshine, it could really harm you. Why don’t you stay in and watch Jeremy Kyle instead? There’s an alcoholic from Chatham on there who’s fathered nine kids by seven different women.

But the effect of this order to stay in, should people have chosen to obey it, would have been huge on business owners.

Canterbury has plenty of pavement cafes and restaurants and pubs that thrive in hot weather. From the Isle of Sheppey and Whitstable in the north to New Romney in the southwest, our coastline is dotted with areas that are quiet nine months of the year, only gaining their incomes in the other three.

Yet in its wisdom, KCC wants even to deprive them of a portion of that – just cos it’s got a bit hot.

KCC’s warm-weather press release was thoughtless, insulted our intelligence and could have damaged the trade of scores of businesses. It was calculated to spread gloom and alarm.

In future, one can only hope that the cold hand of bureaucracy never goes near a keyboard when the weather is warm and just leaves us alone to enjoy it.