T he Voca l Yokel
“Eventually, in despair, I bought a Renault 21 GTS, which shows how desperate I’d become”
I’ve got mixed feelings about the Germans. I really want to dislike them, but I can’t. After all, if it hadn’t been for Nazi Germany’s ambitions to rule the rest of Europe, my dad, from Hampshire, wouldn’t have ended up stationed at an RAF base in Norfolk and therefore would have been unlikely ever to have met my mother, a local lass. As if Hitler hadn’t already got enough to answer for.
But personal circumstances aside, what have the Germans ever done for us? I mean apart from making excellent sausages and creating the best pubs in the world. You don’t believe me? Well, go visit one of Munich’s bier kellers. Dropping into your local Moon and Plughole for a swift half will never be the same again, believe me.
What was I saying? Oh yes, what else have the Germans ever done for us? Well, they also make good cars, but not as good as Land Rovers, of course. You show me the BMW or Merc that automatically turns your footwell into a foot spa every time it rains. And with a Land Rover said foot spa is achieved any fancy electronics involved, either – just good, oldfashioned leaks, engineered in Solihull, Great Britain. You have to pay a premium for that sort of ingenuity. Perhaps that’s why Defenders are so bloody expensive.
Where was I? Oh yes, German cars. Actually they aren’t all that good. Way back in the 1980s when I didn’t know any better I bought a VW Scirocco GTI because it was black and sleek and looked good. Unfortunately the 1.8 fuel-injected petrol engine also injected considerable quantities of engine oil into the combustion chambers, via hopeless valve seals. I’ve owned twostrokes that burned less oil. It left a blue haze behind me, everywhere I drove. To make matters worse, the garage I bought it from never managed to effect a repair, despite several lengthy spells in its workshops. Eventually, in despair, I bought a Renault 21 GTS, which shows how desperate I’d become.
All this happened at around the same time as the Berlin Wall came down and Germany was reunified. Suddenly Germany was twice as big and its ambitions were even bigger. Soon VW and Audi joined forces to take over Skoda (former Czechoslovakia) and Seat (Spain). Even my favourite motorbike brand, Ducati (Italy), was taken over. So was Bentley, but I wasn’t too bothered about that bit of Britain heading east, because that particular fat, ostentatious marque always did seem a bit, well, German to me.
As you may have guessed, I was never a fan of VW. So when the diesel emissions scandal hit the fan in Amrica, I did indulge myself with a bit of a chuckle at Wolfsburg’s expense.
They had cheated, using sophisticated software to tell lies about how much pollution their cars were causing and had been caught out. But it was no laughing matter, of course, and shortly afterwards I did warn in this very column of the dangers of an anti- diesel backlash.
And it has happened, of course. Suddenly, politicians of every hue wanting to make a name for themselves are thinking of ever more ingenious ways of ridding the world of the demon diesel – even though it isn’t. Diesel remains the most popular fuel with European motorists, not because it’s killing us all, but because it is the most efficient stuff you can burn in an internal combustion engine. It is incredibly frugal and the latest generation of diesel engines are even cleaner and more frugal.
The trouble is, most politicians know nothing about cars. They only know about soundbites. But inevitably some innocent souls who can’t detect the politicians’ spin end up believing the garbage they spout. That’s why it’s good to see Land Rover setting the record straight.
Land Rover make the best diesel engines in the world – and they are getting better because the profits generated by selling those engines in record numbers are ploughed back into creating even better and cleaner diesels.
Jaguar Land Rover’s UK managing director, Jeremy Hicks, has come out fighting. He points out that particulate emissions from diesel engines has been reduced by 95 per cent in the past decade as a result of the introduction of diesel particulate filters.
But to my mind he will always be remembered for informing the world that domestic wood burners account for almost as much particulates pollution as road transport (17 per cent compared to 18 per cent, in 2013). “I can imagine a wellintentioned person deciding against buying a diesel car for environmental reasons as they sling another log onto the woodburning stove thinking they are returning to nature,” said Jeremy.
Once again the Germans have created an almighty mess and the British are getting on with the job of putting it right. Nice one, Jeremy.