Wife – or Mistress?

This is a tale about a love triangle involving my dearly-beloved wife (Reg 1953, Caucasian female, 5 ft 3 in, vegetarian) and my sexy mistress Hamba Kahle (Reg 1978, Green, 2.25 Series 3 SWB, petrol) and yours truly.

When I retired a few years ago, the plan was to buy a brand-new Merc and drive it until death do us part. I had owned several Mercs over the years and always found them to be relatively unexciting but reliable transport. I had also had fun with a couple of souped-up Subaru speedsters, an old Toyota Land Cruiser, a Discovery 1 and a stately old Jaguar XJ6.

I then (impulsively) made a bad mistake. I had acquired an old Landy to use as a Sunday car to mess about in. As an ex-rhodie (Rhodesian) it took me back to the old days before fuel injection, power steering, turbo chargers, disc and ABS brakes, and so on. As it happens, my lovely wife had learned to drive in a Series II LWB in the British South Africa Police in Bulawayo.

Hamba Kahle, bless her, was not in good shape when we first met, and was desperately in need of serious TLC, but as life works in wonderful ways, the more intimate we became, the more her shortcomings became evident, and the more lovable she became (to me, anyway).

So I decided to break down the makeover into bite-sized chunks.

First consideration was safety, as copious numbers of grandchildren were no doubt going to want to be driven around in her and even learn to drive in her.

Only the LWB is apparently fitted with a brake booster, so we fitted a brake booster. We could now stop without having to plan our stops well in advance.

I was worried about the rudimentary DIY power steering mechanism that had been fitted and looked decidedly dodgy, so we scrapped it and fitted a more respectable unit, complete with slightly smaller steering wheel. Now we were cooking!

Next came reliability. We set about repairing/replacing anything that could conceivably break down on the road, so we did up the hoses, pumps, belts, seals, bearings, alternator, starter motor, electrics, etc. Along the way we found things un-thought of previously, as you can imagine!

We then threw away the original carb and distributor and replaced with a Weber and electric ignition – she was now starting to purr like a mistress should.

Along the way we had by now removed a leaf spring from each side in front, and two from each side at the rear, until now we could sense if the road kill we drove over was male or female, such was the rigidity of the suspension.

The wife now decided that she wasn’t driving around to the local book club and cocktail circuit in my ugly mistress, so we sprayed Hamba Kahle Landy Green, did up the seats, fitted carpet throughout, and scrapped the skinny 16 inch tyres and rims in favour of footwear more befitting to a mistress. She now looks like Charlize Theron in takkies (sand shoes).

By now Hamba Kahle was being driven on a daily basis and was starting to become an embarrassment to the pension fund (like all mistresses do eventually, I am told). So we sold the Merc and decided that she would become my everyday wheels.

Along the way, we had encountered some of the big stuff, like transfer case, diffs, wheel bearings, halfshafts, etc, but happily at least the gearbox and engine were not in need of attention, having been attended to by a previous owner.

It was at this stage that my wife said quite firmly that if we spent any more money on my mistress she would personally take Hamba Kahle to the bottom of the garden, let the tyres down and plant flowers in her. But I still love my mistress more than ever.

Committed as I am to both of them, I just wish they could accept each other and live in harmony. To hell with the oil leaks, clunking gearbox, poor fuel consumption, slow acceleration and top end. I am a happy old codger tootling along in my old Landy, especially when other suckers driving newer Landys wave frantically as they roar past. I suspect they wave to show that their hands are clean, as they haven’t had to work their own vehicles recently.

By the way, can anyone help me to convince my wife that maybe Hamba Kahle is slowly appreciating in value, albeit off a very low base? This would help a lot!

P.S. Hamba Kahle is Zulu for go slowly/go well/go in peace. John Keyter Durban, South Africa

Thank you for your frank letter, John. You’re a brave man to be so open about your mistress, but perhaps you should hide this issue of LRM from your wife, just in case – Ed.