Election fever (hope it’s not catching)

ARE you fed up with election talk yet? Everybody’s boredom threshold is being pushed to its limit with electioneering, following three years of Brexit dithering, all of which has seen the general public’s perception of politicians sink to an all-time low.

Of course I couldn’t agree more. My distaste for politicians is long-standing and has been well aired in this column over the years. It is therefore with more than a hint of irony that I must report I have joined their ranks. Yes, I am now officially a politician.

Those of you terrified at the prospect of me being given any sort of political power will be relieved to hear that my new role is at the very lowest rung of the political ladder. I have been co-opted onto my local parish council to replace a member who had resigned. It’s not so much a case of me being the right man for the job; more a desperation measure because nobody else wanted to do it.

But, either way, I can now flex my political muscle. Albeit a very small muscle: think stapedius.

The stapedius, in case you didn’t know, is the smallest muscle in the human body. It is 1 mm long and controls the body’s smallest bone, the stapes, which is the minute part of the middle ear that protects the delicate inner ear from very loud noises.

In other words, it isn’t very big but it does a job. A bit like a parish councillor. I won’t bore you here with a list of duties carried out by a parish council, but it does include the creation and maintenance of footpaths, bridleways and rights of way, in which I have a particular interest. I will let you know how I get on.

Meanwhile, our power-hungry would-be national leaders are promising all sorts of daft stuff in order to win votes at the forthcoming General Election. Only this morning I had to laugh when I heard that the Conservatives will “reverse Beeching” by re-opening the railway lines axed in the 1960s, “starting in the north of England”. For that they have set aside £500 million, which sounds like a lot of money but it won’t go far when it comes to reinstating the old branch lines.

The Beeching report of 1963 resulted in the closure of over 5000 miles of track and 2000 stations. When you consider that laying a mile of single-line track costs nearly £5 million, simple arithmetic shows it would buy just 100 miles of track. The infrastructure, including new stations, would cost much more.

For example, Wisbech, in Cambridgeshire (population 31,000), is the 18th biggest town in the UK not served by a railway. It lost its station on Beeching’s recommendation in 1968. The cost of reopening the town’s seven-mile railway link to March is estimated at £68.9 million and includes a new station and bridges.

Don’t get me wrong: I love railways. It’s a love that predates my love of cars. As a small boy, I reckoned my Uncle Charlie had the best job in the world and I loved to stay with him and my Aunt Ivy whenever I could. He was the station master at Tivetshall in Norfolk and lived in the station house there, which was built over the platform. The whole house used to shake every time a train came through — which was often, as it was on the Great Eastern main line. To a small boy, that was magical. Sadly, it came to an end in November 1966, when the Beeching axe fell.

I would love to see all those old lines and stations reopened, just as I love the election promise made by the Labour party to re-nationalise the railways if they come to power. Sadly, the nation can’t afford to do either and we are stuck with a public transport system that isn’t fit for purpose.

Despite the fact that many of us have no choice but to drive our cars, witless politicians continue to wage war on motorists — particularly those of us who choose to drive diesel-engined vehicles. The latest news is that Bristol City Council wants to ban all diesel cars from its city centre — including the latest ultra-clean EU6 models. I can do no better here than to quote my colleague Mike Rutherford, who wrote in Auto Express: “This is a ban on perfectly legal cars purchased, owned and taxed by law-abiding individuals. They are innocent victims.”

I’m pleased to report that the general public appear to share my healthy distrust of politicians. A survey carried out by the automotive shopping website, Cargurus, revealed that when it came to advice on buying a car, the public would trust David Attenborough, the Queen, Dame Judy Dench, Adele and Mary Berry – as well as a host of other royals and celebrities – before they would consider any of our budding leaders. Boris Johnson, Jeremy Corbyn and Nigel Farage limped in at 11th, 12th and 13th, respectively.

I clearly picked a very inopportune moment to become a politician.

“Despite the fact many of us have no choice but to drive our cars, witless politicians wage war on motorists – particularly those who drive diesels”