How to support someone who has suffered a miscarriage
AFTER THE DUCHESS OF SUSSEX’S HEARTBREAKING REVELATION, PRUDENCE WADE SPEAKS TO THE NATIONAL DIRECTOR OF THE MISCARRIAGE ASSOCIATION ABOUT THE BEST APPROACH
TIt’s about helping people by letting them know you’re there to listen. Ruth Bender-Atik, national director of the Miscarriage Association
HE Duchess of Sussex has revealed she suffered a miscarriage over the summer. In an article for The New York Times, entitled ‘The Losses We Share’, Meghan wrote: “I knew, as I clutched my firstborn child, that I was losing my second.
“Hours later, I lay in a hospital bed, holding my husband’s hand.
“I felt the clamminess of his palm and kissed his knuckles, wet from both our tears. Staring at the cold white walls, my eyes glazed over. I tried to imagine how we’d heal.”
Despite the NHS saying miscarriages are “much more common than most people realise” – with around one in eight known pregnancies estimated to end in miscarriage – it’s still a fairly taboo subject.
Meghan said in the article: “Despite the staggering commonality of this pain, the conversation remains taboo, riddled with (unwarranted) shame, and perpetuating a cycle of solitary mourning.”
National director of the Miscarriage Association Ruth Bender-Atik says: “With miscarriage we’re talking about two things that are difficult for people to get their heads around.
“One is you’re talking about an unseen death, a death of somebody that you don’t yet know or hasn’t yet existed in the minds of most people.
“But you’re also talking about something that’s very visceral – you’re talking about vaginal bleeding and pain.”
This means it can be hard to know what to say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage – particularly if you’re afraid you might say something wrong.
“However, that doesn’t mean miscarriages should be ignored.
“The most important thing to do when someone you know has had a miscarriage – or even perhaps someone you don’t know but you feel moved to respond to them – is to acknowledge what they’ve been through in the simplest of ways without putting your own assumptions or your own views on there,” says Ruth.
She urges us to “say something that acknowledges you understand what’s happened, but then you’re giving them the opportunity to say more… it’s about helping people by letting them know you’re there to listen.
“Whether they want to talk is up to them, but they will be glad to know that you’re listening to them.”
Every person is different. In her article Meghan suggested a question as simple as “are you OK?” is helpful.
The Miscarriage Association also suggests saying something like, “I’m sorry”.
For some people, “sharing is helpful”, says Ruth. “If it’s helpful for them, it can remind us that it doesn’t matter where you are in terms of your position in society, your socio-economic group, your ethnicity: if you are a woman and you have had intercourse and you are of a reproductive age, you can have a miscarriage.”
However, she adds: “If somebody
doesn’t want to talk about their miscarriage, that’s absolutely up to them.
“I don’t believe we should be telling everyone that you must talk about your miscarriage and it absolutely mustn’t be kept private.”
While Ruth doesn’t think famous figures should feel they have to speak out if they have had a miscarriage, she says: “I think it can be very helpful.”
Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon opened up in 2016 about her miscarriage and when she mentioned the association, “it meant a load of people knew about us and knew they could get help from us when they wouldn’t have before,” adds Ruth.
High-profile figures can help break the stigma around miscarriages, with Ruth saying: “It doesn’t have to be a taboo subject.”
Ultimately, she’s “grateful to Meghan for talking about this and for sharing it, but I so wish she hadn’t had to be in that position to share it at all”.