How to deal with ‘firsts’ after loss

After losing a loved one, certain dates can trigger more grief - but there are ways to help

Dealing with the big “first times” after a loved one has died – such as birthdays, anniversaries or Christmas – can be particularly upsetting. But there are some helpful ways to ease your grief and find a way to remember them.

“These events or occasions are a connection between the past and the present,” says Caspar Williams of Cruse Bereavement Care. “They remind of you of who you’ve lost and what you’ve lost.”

Linda Magistris, chief executive and founder of The Good Grief Trust, says first times can make you feel like your future has been taken away. “It’s a reminder of all the plans you were making as a couple or a family,” she says. “These occasions aren’t just a reminder of your loss but the future you’ve lost, too.”

Many of us want to ignore these first times because they can be so painful. Julia Samuel, psychotherapist and author of Grief Works, says: “Our natural instinct is to try to pretend it isn’t happening, squashing down those feelings – which doesn’t work.”

But consciously acknowledging that the day is coming up can help you feel more in control of your emotions. Don’t worry if you’re not feeling sad. “A lot depends on your relationship and the person you’ve lost,” says Caspar.

Grief is different from day to day, so you might be feeling OK on the day itself. “You might feel guilty that you’re not upset, or that it means you didn’t love them enough,” Caspar says. “Actually that’s a very healthy way to feel.”

Julia recommends finding a focus for your grief. “Try lighting a candle, reading some poetry or writing a letter to your loved one,” she says. Writing down your thoughts and feelings, and physically looking at them on paper, means you can see them from a different perspective, which helps you process them.

Another idea is to create a memory box. “Put in photos, drawings, or mementos like shells from a beach,” Linda says. You could start a box on this first occasion and add to it over the years, bringing it out when you want to remember your loved one.

Supporting a friend through their grief is important – but don’t push them. “With the best intentions, friends can go into solution-focused help,” says Caspar. “Instead, just try being there for them and listen to what they say without judgement.” If you’re not sure how to respond, something simple like “that sounds really tough” shows you’re actively listening.

Whatever you want to do to help after a bereavement is totally fine. “There are no rules,” says Linda. “The main thing is not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel or behave a certain way.” If you do want some support, contact a friend or family member, or seek professional help.

Co-op Funeralcare offers practical help so that families can say their goodbyes with love and dignity, and connects bereaved people to specialist organisations and charities that support those who are grieving.

While Covid restrictions have meant that funerals have had to be conducted slightly differently, Co-op Funeralcare’s level of care has not changed – nor has its belief that distance shouldn’t mean we can’t share and find ways to work through grief together.

‘There are no rules. The main thing is not to put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way’