My last date was in 1999 ...I know I’m going to be bad at this!
Hal Cruttenden tells MARION MCMULLEN why post-divorce dating disasters make for some great comedy material
You talk about your marriage break-up in new comedy show It’s Best You Hear It From Me. What has been the reaction from your family?
(Laughs) I used to say if I got divorced it would make a very good show and I probably have enough material now for the next two or three shows.
The divorce is amicable and nice.
I’m sitting in one part of the house right now and my wife is in the other, and our two daughters are home from university.
I’ve always talked about my family in my comedy shows and we talked about this new show and it was OK.
I ran everything past my wife and kids and the show is my experience and how I’m dealing with it. (Chuckles).
You are also a shadow of yourself after losing weight. How have you shed the pounds?
I lost weight because I wanted to remove my wedding ring and I did not want to cut it off. I’ve lost two stones now and I want to be unusual for my age and try to get under the BMI overweight limit.
I’m still about 10lbs off, but I was so overweight, and I thought after losing two stone ‘Oh, gorgeous, I’m a really good catch.’. (Laughs). I’m not, but I felt gorgeous.
For 12 months I did a sort of Victorian prison diet of just 800 calories a day and I lost the weight very quickly and now I’m eating more healthily.
It’s really hard when you are on tour and going to motorway services at one in the morning. You are not going to order fruit at that time.
You pile yourself with rubbish, junk food like burgers, crisps and cake. I might go back to 800 calories. I quite like extreme dieting.
What is it like being single again after 21 years?
It’s really weird. I feel like I did in my 20s. I want to be suave and sophisticated about dating and I’m just an idiot.
I meet someone and think ‘I’m so desperate, maybe this person will take me home and keep me there forever’.
I’m in my early 50s and I think I can handle anything in my life, but my last date was in 1999 when texting was just coming in.
I know that I’m going to be bad at this, but the great thing about being a comedian is disastrous dates will provide lots of [comedy] material.
As for the thought of dating apps, I wouldn’t even know were to start. I was sent a phone number backstage after a recent show with a message saying ‘My friend really likes you’. (Laughs)
I scared the woman off. I was babbling saying ‘hello, when can we meet, let’s do something’.
Disaster.
You fell victim to Covid early on in the pandemic. How are you now?
It was right at the start – about 12 hours before it was announced Boris Johnson had it.
I went to bed with and it was quite weird. My temperature was all over the place for about a week. I had never been so ill and I’m almost never ill.
My wife was quite worried and was calling doctors. I think it turned out quite good that I got it so early, I’ve not had it again since being exposed to it in lockdown, and I was very, very calm about it at the time.
I thought it was older people, 70-plus, at risk, I never thought my life was in danger, but then I saw Boris, who is just six years older than me and also overweight, having to go to hospital.
If I had thought I may have died, I would have been more worried and more panicked. I have taken part in plasma trials since and become a blood donor... and I hate needles.
I thought it would help me get over my fear, but it’s like having a rat phobia and saying ‘just hold this rat’. It doesn’t work.
I have to look away when they put a needle in my arm. They must think ‘Oh, here’s that drama queen again’.
I don’t mind injections too much, but there is something about drawing blood out. I love horror movies, but I can’t watch vampire films were they drain their victims. Urgh.
The new tour starts after your Edinburgh Festival dates. Are you looking forward to being back on the road?
It’s very exciting to be back. This has been the longest time I’ve not been on tour.
I’ve done other things and events in the last couple of years, but it’s just a dream to be back in the theatres.
This is what I wanted when I started being a comedian. You might look at the all the dates and travelling and wince, but then I tell myself ‘stop moaning, you love this’.
It’s really weird. I feel like I did in my 20s. I want to be suave and sophisticated about dating and I’m just an idiot...
■ It’s Best You Here It From Me premieres at the Edinburgh Festival’s Pleasance Courtyard in August before embarking on a 62-date tour from September 9. See halcruttenden.com for details