Raiding the children’s piggy bank

MAY I be among the first to congratulate those parents who, according to a poll, snatch £50 a year from their kids’ piggy banks.

It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. They have taught their offspring an important life-lesson.

For light-fingered mothers riddled with guilt, I say: “Those children were in your womb for nine months – look on it as rent.”

I’m only disappointed that parents have dug into porcelain pigs to pay for school dinner cash and school trips, rather than the things that really matter: booze, fags and gambling.

I raided my own son’s savings with such regularity that he placed tripwire behind the bedroom door: a feat of remarkable ingenuity for a sevenyear-old.

I justified the pilfering on the simple grounds that he had £50 in readily available cash and I didn’t.

It hurt to know my son had more money than I did.

My wife explained that our money was tied up in bricks and mortar. I attempted to buy a steak bake at Greggs with a brick and got very short shrift.

In hindsight, I do feel a twinge of guilt over being caught with my hand under his pillow attempting to claw back the Tooth Fairy’s gift. Ditto the sale of Galahad the guinea pig at a car boot sale.

I told my son I donated the rodent to medical science. Thanks to his sacrifice, an individual destined to die is again in rude health, doing around 50mph on a very large wheel and addicted to chewing the cardboard sleeves of loo rolls.

According to the survey by the Nationwide Financial Planning Service, nearly two-fifths (39 per cent) of parents admitted their child had noticed their money had gone missing.

Presumably they were woken by the shattering sound of hammer against china. That embarrassing moment could’ve been avoided if only mum and dad had remembered to liberally grease the piggy bank’s rubber stopper.

A Nationwide spokesman said: “More than a third of parents do not always pay the money back.

A quarter owe their children £25 or more, while one in 20 admit to being in debt to their child to the tune of £100 or more.

“Fathers tend to take more than mothers and they are also less likely to top their child’s piggy bank back up afterwards.”

News that these shocking statistics have been spawned by a “survey” makes me suspicious.

If approached by a beaming PR gal clutching a clipboard asking if I’d stolen from my children, I’d lie.

Yet thousands voluntarily admitted the crime, revealed how much they had nicked and confessed they had no intention of paying it back.

They have only themselves to blame should the boys in blue knock on their door.

The general public’s alleged cooperation when surveyed frankly astounds me. I recently received a press release revealing that “over 60 per cent of Birmingham residents admit they can’t cook cheese on toast”.

As a fact, that’s hard to swallow. Essentially, it means over half of this city’s adult population does not know how to turn bread into toast and are unaware cheese, when placed under intense heat, will melt.

I’d be concerned – and quicken my step – if approached by someone whose opening gambit was: “Hello, how do you cook cheese on toast?”

The Nationwide Financial Planning survey does strike a chord, however. On many occasions I’ve limped into work with a ball of loose change the size of grapefruit in my trouser pocket.

On one occasion, a brassy receptionist asked: “Have you been nicking from your son again or are you just pleased to see me?”

Medieval knights in full armour made less noise than I did as I waddled across the newsroom weighed down by shrapnel.

I once took 15 minutes to pay for £12 worth of petrol. As I counted out the change, the assistant behind the glass screen announced loudly: “Sorry, that’s another Spanish peseta... and that’s a sea shell... that’s an England ’98 World Cup token, Paul Scholes I believe... and that’s a chocolate lime.”

In the end, a gentleman in the ever growing queue agreed to hand over the £2 shortfall in exchange for the Paul Scholes token. I think he got a bargain.

There is a reason for the sharp rise in parents stealing from their kids, says Larry Banda, Nationwide’s director of financial planning.

He explained: “At a time when increasingly fewer people carry cash, we can often get caught short when scrabbling around for change. And quite often it’s children who have more loose change than anyone, as it’s often nicely tucked away in a money box.

“So, it’s no surprise that parents take the opportunity to raid their kids’ piggy banks for things such as parking or the school lunch money.”

The night-time raids on my son’s stash has taught the now 26-year-old an important lesson about the power of money.

Last night he said: “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a jet ski.

“I’ve never seen anyone on a jet ski look unhappy.”

Startled yes, but not unhappy.