With my two, what you lose on the swings...gets worse on the seesaw
DOUBLE TROUBLE FOR A FIRST-TIME DAD OF TWINS
A FEW years ago, I saw Mo Farah from a distance, and he was surprisingly small.
I wasn’t expecting a behemoth of a man. Nevertheless, he generates an awful lot of speed in a small body.
The same logic applies to Thomas and Emma. They’re surprisingly nippy despite their stature, which presents a challenge if I take them to the park without the gentle guidance of Victoria.
There’s only one of me and Thomas is a toddling Forrest Gump. Place him on the ground and he starts running.
Emma is better, but her weakness is a family picnic which prompts a reaction not dissimilar to that you’d expect from a dog. When released from the confines of the buggy she will make her way to the bounty of sandwiches, crisps and cake.
Emma will then stand at a distance of a metre or two intently watching the family eat, hoping for a moment to swoop on a mini pork pie.
Hence if I’m by myself, I take them to a playground with swings, slides and a big fence so they can’t escape.
The best way to contain them is within the toddler swings, which they’re more than happy to sit in. However, on the latest occasion, Thomas got restless and was attempting to stand up, so I removed him, left Emma swinging and followed Thomas as he sprinted off.
In the meantime, I noticed an elderly lady watching Emma swinging alone slowly, so I waved to claim ownership and ensure she didn’t call the police.
Thankfully, the lady started pushing Emma, while I stopped Thomas from throwing himself off a climbing frame.
This scenario played out for a while until I noticed the elderly lady was looking a little pale and tired so, in order to avoid a situation in which a pensioner suffered a heart attack, while pushing one of my children, I returned to relieve her.
Thankfully, I spotted the seesaw and realised it would be perfect to occupy them both. I placed Thomas on one side and Emma on the other.
The seesaw seat was not as stable as I’d have liked so I picked Thomas to stand next to, not because he’s my favourite but because he is the one most likely to fall off.
Seconds later, I watched as Emma fell in slow motion from the top of the seesaw onto the ground and begin screaming. I jumped over only for Thomas to slip from a lower height onto his side.
The only person watching was a solitary man smoking on a bench.
“They’re fine, mate, crocodile tears,” he said confidently, and even though I was pretty sure he wasn’t a medical professional, it was comforting to know he was the only person around to judge my abilities as a parent.