Killing two beans with one stone...

I’M STUNNED by the news “meaty metaphors” – phrases that have saved my bacon on numerous occasions – could become extinct due to the rise in vegan and vegetarianism.

I mean, what is exactly is their beef? That could land the English language in a right stew. Sorry, pickle.

Frankly, now I’ve herd it all. What, may I ask, will be the politically correct alternatives? I’m bringing home the broccoli. Killing two beans with one stone. Too many cooks spoil the zucchini.

None carry the same emotive strength. None convey the same depth of emotion.

But, on the plus side, we are all still “top bananas”.

News our everyday language is to become more vegan and vegetarian friendly has been delivered by Shareena Hamzah, a postdoctoral researcher at Swansea University. Her warning has been backed by animal rights charity Peta, which has, helpfully, produced a list of alternative phrases.

The guide replaces “More than one way to skin a cat” with “more than one way to peel a potato”, “bring home the bacon” with “bring home the bagels”.

Strangely, that old chestnut (a metaphor that still passes muster) “open a can of worms” has been shunted aside by “open Pandora’s box”.

This panders for those who harbour deep concerns for the welfare of worms. I am not among them.

They feasted on my deceased relatives. Therefore, I am not racked with guilt when accidentally putting a spade through one.

Their solitary lifespan is consumed with gorging soil. My shovel has not snuffed-out one worm’s hopes of attending law school. Therefore, worms are fair game. In any case, a writhing can of them graphically illustrates the pitfalls of tripping on a dark secret. Opening Pandora’s box – “any source of great and unexpected troubles (dictionary definition)” – does not.

I will use the phrase with increasing regularity, and may even introduce variations such as “open a can of veal”, to simply annoy the vegetarians.

I urge others to use the same. If we don’t the goose is truly cooked for metaphors that have served us well for centuries.

Shareena Hamzah warns: “For countless generations, meat has been considered the single most important component of any meal.”

Of course. That’s because it’s made of, errr, meat.

“It is not surprising that food metaphors, often meat-based, infuse our daily speech. There is invariably a gastronomically themed way of expressing almost any situation.”

Not for long, she claims. “The increased awareness of vegan issues will filter through our consciousness to produce new modes of expression. At the same time, metaphors involving meat could gain an increased intensity if the killing of animals for food becomes less socially acceptable. The image of killing two birds with one stone is, if anything, made more powerful by the animal-friendly alternative of feeding two birds with one scone.”

As an ornithologist, I know birds can suffer through a scone diet. Admittedly, not as much as being struck over the head with a stone, but, as a rule of thumb, put seed and fatballs out for our feathered friends, don’t knock-up a Victoria sponge for them.

Peta believes the time is right to roll out their animal friendly phrase book. A spokesperson said: “Unfortunately, many of us grew up hearing common phrases that perpetuate violence toward animals.

“Teaching students to use animallanguage can cultivate positive relationships between all beings and help end the epidemic of youth violence toward animals.”

I am from the 1970s, a decade stained by red meat, e-numbers and additives to make the red meat look even more red. Although we all went a little doolally after imbibing on Cresta, a sugar-loaded fizzy drink that could strip tooth enamel at first gulp.

There were, I’m sure, those who declined meat, but they mostly resided in the Himalayas and wore saffron.

I am too old to understand, and sympathise with, vegetarians and vegans. The food I devour had a sporting chance of running away. A lentil does not.

I do, however, acknowledge – even admire – the dietary sacrifices made by vegans.

Fruitarians, on the other hand, seem to have taken things too far. Their extreme doctrine involves “eating what falls (or would fall) naturally from a plant: that is, foods that can be harvested without killing or harming the plant”.

They would be mightily offended by being dubbed “top bananas”. Even Peta’s suggested new phrases “taking the flower by the thorns” and “more than one way to peel a potato” would be frowned on by fruitarians.

Under the new guidelines, they have been robbed of all metaphors. They are near speechless.

In short, their gooseberry* has been well and truly cooked.

* The gooseberry had been discovered on the ground and not picked from the plant.