Some naturists don’t even put dressing on salads
AN ADVERT for naked household helps interests me, but I have one burning question: “Does the role require frying chips and bacon?”
In fact, anything oven-based is a concern. DIY chores, such as sawing and sanding, are also a worry.
But, in a bid to earn cash before Christmas, I’ll dust in the buff with the best of them. My wife, however, is concerned that my bloated, middle-aged belly may dislodge ornaments.
She concedes that attaching sponges to both buttocks would create a wonderful window-cleaning tool, and an interesting floor show.
Following the online advert for “naturist cleaners” I have sent a CV containing such useful information as my 1975 appearance in the Butlins Minehead knobbly knees competition.
When it was all the craze, I once streaked at a public engagement, too. Some of the mourners have still not forgiven me for leaping over the open plot, then hurdling headstones.
I am not ashamed of my body. It is the lived-in epitaph to years of excess, hence the “slightly worn” description in my job application.
I have been honest. At 60 years of age, I still possess the body of a God, but it’s now Buddha. On the plus side, families could have immense fun by slapping my sagging flesh and guessing which part of me stops first.
To that end, I’m available on Christmas Day.
The ad pulls no punches: “Naturist Cleaners are always looking for new part-time people to work for us as naturist cleaners. A principal role is to do general cleaning in nudist private houses, wearing no clothes.
“We are looking for flexible, responsible cleaners no matter your age or figure. To register you for a job please complete the registration form. We will contact you once we have the need for new cleaners in your area.
“Due to a big number of applications please allow at least two weeks until you hear from our team.”
I am not “body conscious”, I will not shrink in crimson embarrassment when the lucky household gazes at the acres of pink flesh on display.
And the pink flesh is ample. As someone pointed out at a recent Weight Watchers meeting: “We haven’t got time to watch all of that. In any case, it keeps jiggling.”
I only ask that wicker chairs are not provided for “down time”. They leave embarrassing marks, akin to sitting on a tennis racket.
Those behind the unusual sits-vac ad have adhered to employment laws by stipulating that the vacancies can be filled by men or women of any age. Quite right, gender is no barrier when it comes to scrubbing while starkers.
Sex, age and disability can no longer be a barrier to earning a fair wage. My 86-year-old uncle is testament to that: he’s become a popular member of the local baths’ life-saving team despite his Zimmer frame. And oxygen machine.
The cleaning job, which pays £45 an hour, is tailored to the naturist community, which seems a little puzzling, a little too hardline.
Presumably, naturists wouldn’t demand firemen strip before tackling a blaze or detectives dust for clues in their birthday suits, so why do au pairs have to perform in the buff?
For those of a certain age, ironing could be downright perilous.
Such are the foibles of those who follow naturism – the majority, in my opinion, are people you wouldn’t want to see naked. Some are so strict in their beliefs that they even snub dressing on salads.
Those who recruit a naked cleaner “will not be disappointed”, the company behind the scheme, Naturist Cleaners, promises. “Our workers are our greatest assets.
“We empower our cleaners to take ownership of each and every cleaning project they undertake so that the best results are achieved. If you’re in need of a trustworthy and forward-thinking nude cleaning enterprise get in touch with the Naturist Cleaners.”
Laura Smith, Naturist Cleaners MD, said: “It’s a service for the nudist community. We are a cleaning company. There’s nothing sexual about the business at all. The majority of our clients are nudists.”
That is stating the bleedin’ obvious. If removing limescale from a shower was considered “sexual”, Barry Scott, brand ambassador for Cillit Bang, would be a pornographer. X-rated images of Mr Muscle would be out there.
The company has provided a handy guide to the most popular questions asked by those recruiting a naked cleaner. They include:
• Do I have to supply the cleaning materials and accessories?
Of course. They are nude and therefore have no place to put a toilet brush or dustpan.
• Can I take pictures and videos of your cleaners?
On the basis that I’ve never watched my wife and thought ‘I must capture the grace and poetry of movement she’s displaying with that Hoover’, that is a troubling request. The answer is certainly no.
• Can I touch your cleaning service provider?
In a domestic property, the answer is no. In a clinical enviroment, where the naked employee is about to unplug a life support machine to start her vacuum cleaner, a hands-on approach is acceptable, surely?
Collectively, the above questions suggest that there are those who expect more than elbow grease.
The ad has come at the wrong time. Christmas is near upon us – and Christmas trees, bristling with needles, add risk to naked cleaning. There’s also a lot of holly about.