ASK THE EXPERT
Q MY 18-month-old son hits or kicks us and his friends when he doesn’t get his own way. Is this normal? How can we stop him doing it?
A XAVIERA PLAS-PLOOIJ, right, co-author of The Wonder Weeks (Countryman Press,
£13.99) says: Starting around 14 months, your child tries all types of behaviour – being aggressive is one. Your toddler studies how others react if they hit, bite, push or kick, or deliberately break something.
Show your child what you think of their behaviour. This way they learn it’s hurtful and adults aren’t amused by aggressive or destructive behaviour.
Shortly after the first birthday parents report the first physical aggression. This peaks just before the second birthday and recedes thereafter. By the time children reach school age, under normal circumstances it will have mostly disappeared.
Some children are more prone to aggression than others. If they live with adults and children who are aggressive, they’ll assume being aggressive is normal social behaviour.
However, children in environments where aggression isn’t tolerated and where friendly behaviour is rewarded won’t start hitting and kicking when they’re frustrated. They’ll use more acceptable ways of expressing themselves.
A toddler is ready for you to start expecting more from them – they’re searching for boundaries. The only way they’ll discover the rules is if you show them what is and is not acceptable. There’s no harm in laying down the law – but slapping will harm your child in more ways than you can imagine.
A child wants to belong. If their behaviour makes them feel apart from the group, chances are they’ll correct it.
Never give mixed signals. Don’t say ‘Don’t ... ‘ with a smile on your face and don’t be ashamed. Public temper tantrums or misbehaviour is normal and we’ve all been there.
Show you mean what you say: pronounce words clearly, look your toddler straight in the eyes, and be clear and focused.
Lead by example: don’t shout, hit, harm or show irritation: keep your calm and be clear.