One bad relationship away from 30 moggies

DURING a recent visit to my local RSPCA office, I said: “This place is tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in here.”

They stared at me, stone-faced. Frankly, I think the whole human-cat relationship is askew. If they really have nine lives why don’t we use them for scientific experiments instead of mice, rats and beagles?

It would be a lot more cost-effective. I am aware, however, that there are many who adore their moggies. I’m not sure the feeling is mutual. Cats are not known for their loyalty and cannot be trained.

That is why there are no guide cats for the blind. If there were, visually impaired owners would be taken on dangerous, meandering journeys that involve climbing garden walls and crawling under parked vehicles.

It’s unfair, but I am suspicious of women who possess large numbers of felines. My wife has a friend who is only one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

To the strange band of mass-cat owners I have one question: while singing lullabies to your pets, do you ever think you may die alone and lonely?

I speak as someone who has owned the same cat for over 15 years. He’s called Keogh, and was named after a former Wolves footballer.

The bad-tempered cat has a better strike rate than the Wolves footballer. Even in its dotage, it remains a hissing, spitting, scratching ball of fury.

Cats use their tongues to wash extremities. They sink teeth and claws into rodents. They dig holes in dirt to defecate. Cats harbour worms and fleas.

Because of the above, I become very agitated when our own crazed moggie jumps on kitchen surfaces.

Because of the above, I will not join the chorus of “oohs” and “aahs” that have followed news Birmingham’s only cat café – a place where customers share their culinary experience with 30 of the animals, allowed to freely roam the premises – is poised to reopen as the lockdown is eased.

That’s partly thanks to Kitty Café’s range of fashionable “moggie masks” for customers.

Online, our reporter Graham Young revealed: “They will make humans look like the proverbial cat’s whiskers.

“The company’s feline face masks could even make the cats think you are one of them if you keep them on until your food arrives.

“And people might think you look like a cat that’s got the cream if you wear one on public transport.”

Kate Charles-Richards, boss of the Grand Central eatery, has led by example. She wears a cat mask that looks like something worn to a masquerade ball. Make that masquerade furball. “Everywhere we’ve been out with my husband Oliver and our daughters Bluebelle and Luminar, people have been asking where we’ve got the masks from,” she purrs.

“The problem is getting children to take them off when they come back inside.

“If you are wearing one, the cats themselves might give you funny looks, as if to say ‘You never used to look like that’.

“Or they can be blasé – or some will try to get them off you. They are not medical masks, but we are confident they are good for what they are designed for.”

That would be looking like a cat. Kate adds: “People will stop you in the street and ask where you got them – while social distancing, of course. But at least it means people are talking to you at a time when a lot of people are avoiding each other.”

In my book, individuals who want to chat solely because you’re dressed like a cat are best avoided.

When back in business, Kitty Café will give patrons the opportunity to tuck into pizza or enjoy afternoon tea in a room filled with rescue cats. Similar eateries have proved successful in Nottingham and Leeds.

The Birmingham branch has received much media attention. And every story I’ve read has been cat-littered with puns: it’s purrfect, pawsome and kittied out with all mog cons.

Our own reporter famously revealed: “Once it is fully up and running, Birmingham’s new Kitty Café will be the rescue cat’s whiskers - the place to go for people who want to relax like Chairman Meow.”

That is a pun based on Chairman Mao, communist founder of the People’s Republic of China and, on the basis he was known for ruling with an iron fist, it doesn’t work.

He was not known for being laidback. People do not say: “I feel as relaxed as Chairman Mao.”

I don’t think he was particularly big on cats, either. Thankfully, Mouselini, Karl Manx and the Fur-er himself don’t make an appearance in the piece.

When the café opened last year, Kate said: “We have had a huge amount of love, support and excitement from all the amazing people in Birmingham.

“Kitty Café Birmingham will follow our other locations with large quirky spaces, lots of colour and, of course, a bespokebuilt cat playground.”

I’ve never seen a bespoke cat playground, but I’d imagine it’s full of stimuli, which concerns me. It’s never good when a cat thinks outside the box.

The moggies at Kitty Café have certainly enjoyed a stroke of luck (geddit?) after being rescued from the streets. They have certainly been pampered by staff.

One visitor to the Nottingham branch told me she saw a puss get through five bowls of milk at one sitting. That has to be a lap record.

As if news of the cat café were not enough, our city was hosted a one-day dachshund – that’s sausage dog – café last summer.

When it comes to spoiling our four-legged friends, you can’t get any lower than a dachshund. Quite literally.

Our internet site revealed: “The event will take place at Revolution in Broad Street, and people can expect brunch, lunch and two-for-one cocktails with a side of puppy love.

“If you’re not a dachshund owner, don’t fret – anyone can attend and enjoy cuddles with the many four-legged friends attending.”

I don’t know why the venture was dachshund-specific, but if I was an Irish terrier and refused entry I’d cry discrimination.

The day had been organised by Anushka Fernando, who explained: “We know the Midlands has lots of sausage dog communities, so it made sense to come to Birmingham.

“Dachshund Cafe is the perfect doggy day out for your pup, It’s a fantastic way to socialise your dog in a safe space, plus you can treat them to doggy-treats and share a pupuccino and a latte with your best friend.”

At least dogs are loyal and loving towards their owners. Outside of a dog, man’s best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

The dachshund venture has, at least, given Yours Truly a business idea. I plan to open a jelly emporium for sheepdogs.

I’m going to call it Colliewobbles.