Online movement towards bowel solutions
TODAY, for whatever reason, huge swathes of the internet are dominated by the thorny topic of bowel movements.
One Midlands news website currently carries three articles under such lurid headlines as: “BOWEL – a simple trick to empty them completely” and “BOWEL – forget about probiotics and do this instead” and “BOWEL – this toxin would be the reason for all your problems.”
They are illustrated by pictures of boiled eggs, prunes and avocados.
I’m not sure what has pushed stomach ailments to the top of the news agenda, but believe I may have missed a bizarre national holiday, akin to National Left Handers Day and Wear Your Slippers to Work Day.
Probably for the best. The prospect of celebrating “National Open Your Bowels” week leaves me cold, frankly.
Not the kind of event you prepare a buffet for.
Perhaps the stomach-churning, stomach stories are deliberately geared towards Halloween. If so, a picture of a sliced pumpkin would’ve come in handy along with the headline: “BOWEL – a simple trick or treat to empty them completely.”
All the medical stories have been written by an organisation calling itself “Gut Solution”. I do not know if this is a specialist facebook site – if so, visitors’ “selfies” are probably heavily vetted – or a trade magazine.
If the latter, I’d like to work for Gut Solution simply to cause a stir at press conferences: “Mike Lockley, Gut Solution...do you think Jack Grealish should have more of a wandering role in the Villa midfield, Dean?”
My mate used to work for The Embalmer, the trade publication for undertakers. He created real fear when attending diamond wedding anniversaries and 100th birthdays.
Each of our “gut exclusives” carry an interview with nutrition expert Raphael Perez who has devoted the last decade of his life to tackling “gut poisoning syndrome”.
He recently held a top level seminar on bowel – sorry, BOWEL – issues in which his latest life-changing video was unveiled.
In it, he states: “Your digestive problems are not – repeat, not – caused by anything that’s your fault.”
Not sure about that. I once begged a sweating, flatulent colleague to cut down on curries. I felt it was very much his fault. The current bowel blitz underlines the mass internet appeal of medical stories. Today, they share shelf-space on the website with: “These 15 signs will tell you that your kidneys are not working”, “10 foods that unclog arteries” and “A month before a heartattack your body will warn you with...”
They make for sombre reading, but many internet hits can be gained by scaring readers witless through reports of tropical diseases now thriving in or alerts over illnesses they’ve probably got but don’t know it. I read them slavishly. That’s because I’m a chronic hypochondriac, my doctor said.
“Oh God - so that’s another thing I’ve got,” I replied.
I was particularly gripped by, “The Five Rare Sexually Transmitted Diseases You’ve Never Heard Of”.
I felt the article may prove helpful in forthcoming pub quizzes: medical questions are definitely my achilles heel. “Chlamydia!” I once bellowed triumphantly. “Incorrect,” replied the baffled quizmaster. “The answer on my card is Lisa Stansfield.” “Brummies are more than three times as likely to contract STDs as people in rural parts of the East Midlands,” the article revealed.
As a bombshell that’s down there with: sexual encounters are more likely at nightclubs than farmers’ markets.
But the harrowing piece does deliver a gamut of grim conditions I’ve never heard of, such as trichomoniasis, something you only wish you’ve got if playing scrabble. “Up to half of sufferers develop no symptoms at all,” the piece warns.
I’m no medical expert, but they’re not suffering then, surely?
Non-specific urethritis gets only two paragraphs. I would’ve liked the website to be more specific about non-specific urethritis.
The piece panders to both our infatuation with health and guilty desire to scan sex related stories.
Sex is good for the heart, sex is bad for the heart, depending on which internet portal you peruse.
It is both a cure for many ailments and a curse.
My drinking companion Colin recently visited his GP with a catalogue of conditions he felt were caused by work related stress. “Know what I do when stressed?” asked the doctor. “I go home and make mad, passionate love to my wife. Feel right as rain the next day. Why don’t you try it?” Colin revisited the surgery two weeks later.
“Did you try what I told you?” asked the doctor, winking.
“I did.”
“And what do you think?” pressed the smiling medic.
“I think you’ve got lovely wallpaper.”
IF there is water on the moon, how come astronauts didn’t get their feet wet when they first landed 50 years ago?
WENT on a real bender with Lionel Richie on Saturday night and you should’ve seen the state he was in the following day. He was queasy on a Sunday morning
INTRIGUED by national headlines about Berlin police breaking-up a fetish party for breaching coronavirus rules. Surely most of the partygoers were wearing masks?
CAN’T see the point in Halloween this year. I’ve been wearing a mask and eating sweets for six months now