I’m peel-ing from the shock of adding orange zest to Dairy Milk
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DOES the mould I’ve discovered on this chocolate bar constitute life on Mars? That’s the question.
I, like many others, suffer from a sweet tooth. I’m a chocoholic, which I think stems from childhood trauma.
At school, bullies would smear me with chocolate and cream, then pelt me with cherries.
Life was very hard in the gateau.
Like all addicts, I’ve devised devious ways to hide my habit from loved ones.
I have a few Twix up my sleeve.
Perhaps it’s my love affair with chocolate that stirred such raw emotion following the bombshell dropped by our online edition, BirminghamLive.
Its headline shouts: “Cadbury in hot water with fans over new chocolate bar but some don’t see the problem with it.”
The Bournville company’s plans to tamper with Dairy Milk bars is at the heart of the controversy.
A “smooth zest of orange” will be added to the age-old recipe, BirminghamLive reveals.
A “smooth zest of orange”? How bloody dare they.
As a man who remembers the heady days when Wagon Wheels were the size of dustbin lids and smothered in three feet of chocolate, I am enraged.
This is an erosion of human rights on a par with the decision to axe lime barrels from boxes of Roses. When that happened, I chained myself to town hall railings.
I only pray the “zest of orange” rumpus will not spawn angry street clashes between Dairy Milk extremists and police.
I fear fisticuffs between the anti-zest faction and the “don’t see the problem” brigade. Cadbury has confirmed that, when it comes to the nation’s favourite bar, the future’s bright, the future’s orange.
A spokesperson said: “It’s true – our iconic Cadbury Dairy Milk bar will be available with an orange twist soon.” They are not even attempting to sugar-coat the news... which helps diabetics.
The spokesperson added: “The new Cadbury Dairy Milk Orange Bar will be available in Tesco, Londis, One Stop, Premier and Budgens this April! We will be able to share more details very soon, so watch this
THE Easter bunny was arrested over the weekend for taking money from children by force. He’s been charged with eggstortion
space.”
The company has already tested the waters by foisting orange buttons and Twirls on the public. Not surprisingly, chocolate lovers of the world have protested over the move to orange zest. It is an erosion of their Seville liberties. One furiously typed: “I’m bored of chocolate orange. We want a spiced biscuit bar or pretzel and peanut butter, not more orange!” Peelings are running high. “More orange?” ranted another Dairy Milk devotee. “All I want is banana.” That could cause a split in the ranks. I’ve only encountered a chocolate and banana combo at Birmingham’s German market where they sell the fruit whole and dipped in the brown stuff.
The strange confectionary brings back uneasy memories of something I once discovered floating in a public swimming baths. The emotional outpouring is understandable.
Dairy Milk has been with us since 1905. Its slogan “with a glass and a half of fresh milk” is known throughout the world.
“With a glass and a half of fresh milk and some orange segments” doesn’t have the same ring. Mind you, neither does “with a glass and a half of fresh milk with bits of banana bunged in”.
It appears the American conglomerate that now owns Cadbury has yet to grasp the issues guaranteed to stir this nation into action. There are things we will not take lying down, such as tampering with mattress designs.
Those who indulge in Black Magic animal sacrifices really get my goat.
There are certain things in this country you don’t tamper with. Things like bin collections, the width of Wagon Wheels, the price of a public convenience, the thickness of bacon and queuing. There’ll be an orderly queue to castigate the individual brave enough to deprive us of our God-given right to queue in an orderly fashion.
It is not the first time Cadbury has tested the public’s patience.
Five years ago, our newsdesk was flooded with calls from angry readers after it was alleged the Dairy Milk chocolate coating Creme Eggs had been replaced with standard cocoa mix. That was a serious own goal. No man buys his partner a box of standard cocoa mix. No ad will end with, “all because the lady loves standard cocoa mix”.
Today, the phones are again red hot. “That Amish family who sweat blood and tears to make Cadbury chocolate...,” seethed Roger from Wylde Green.
“They were Quakers,” I pointed out.
‘‘Nah, mate,” droned Roger, “they did porridge. Anyway, those Amish folk would be turning in their barns if they could see...” “B*******!” screamed Barry from Sutton Coldfield. “My dad was on the beaches at Normandy to stop things like this happening? He’d turn in his grave.”
“He was killed during the D Day landings?” I asked. “No, he died of diabetes.” Is no chocolate tradition safe? Will we one day wake-up to the bombshell that Toblerones are to become oblong.
Actually, scrub that thought, it couldn’t happen. They wouldn’t fit in the boxes.