How to deal with parental estrangement
HAVING a family is one of the most fundamental experiences of human life, so it can be difficult to understand the complex and painful decisions involved in estranging yourself from a parent. But there are situations in which an adult child can feel that ceasing contact with a family member is their best and healthiest option.
Singer Ellie Goulding recently revealed she has not seen her mother since marrying art dealer Caspar Jopling last year, telling The Independent: “I’ve done a lot of therapy about it. I think a lot of women have difficult relationships with their mothers and we find it hard to talk openly about that.”
Parental estrangement of any kind is likely to be complicated, distressing, and very personal to the individual, prompting feelings similar to grief.
We asked Relate counsellor Peter Saddington to share some tips for adults who are dealing with a family breakdown…
“WHETHER it’s your choice or a parent’s decision, a family estrangement is never easy to deal with. However, as a starting point, it might be helpful to not think of it as a permanent decision. Relationships can change,” says Peter.
“When I’m working with adult children that have chosen to separate from their parents or family, it’s quite often a difficult and painful process to get to that point, so many people can feel extreme guilt about the situation.
“There can be any number of reasons for an estrangement. It could be an argument or years of feeling bullied or misunderstood, or a disagreement about money.
“In the first instance, it’s recognising that you need to look after yourself and take time to work through the feelings, before you can think about healing the relationship.”
“MAKE use of close friends, your partner or any other immediate support network. If you can share your thoughts about the estranged relationship, it can help you to process the feelings,” explains Peter.
“There can be a lot of shame attached to estrangement, and just talking about the issue can bring a degree of relief.
“The more you talk about it, the more support you [tend to] get. Quite often, you’ll also be able to find some impartial validation behind your rationality for cutting off contact.
“Otherwise, it’s easy to blame yourself.”