AN EXPERT GUIDE TO BLENDING A FAMILY
If a separated parent meets a new partner with kids, blending the two families can be tough. Experts discuss the best ways to do it, with LISA SALMON
MODERN families are often blended, with children from parents’ former relationships becoming part of new step-families.
But such family blending is rarely easy, and parents need to think carefully about how they deal with their new situation to keep everyone happy.
Psychotherapist Karen Woodall is lead therapist at the Family Separation Clinic (familyseparationclinic.com) and specialises in working with high-conflict separation and its impact on children.
She says: “Blending a family isn’t as easy as moving in together on the wings of love and and hope –the psychological tasks of bringing together two different family systems are many and complex. With awareness and a realistic attitude, however, it can be achieved for the benefit of all.”
And Bec Jones, a divorce coach at the online divorce service amicable (amicable.io), adds: “It’s important to reframe the narrative away from negativity and away from blended families being ‘broken’, towards the concept of an extended and boosted family.”
Here, the two experts outline their advice on how to make it work...
1. Put your feelings aside for the sake of the kids
No matter how old your children are, ensure they feel they never have to take sides or act as a messenger, says Bec. “They’re as much a product of you as they are of your ex, and they love you both. Being put in the middle will likely be very uncomfortable for your child.”
2. Try to see things through your children’s eyes
Bec says stepping into your children’s shoes can be helpful when you’re trying to manage feelings of anger or jealousy, for example when your children are spending time with your ex and their new partner.
“When you aim to create a stable blended family, it’s primarily for the sake of your children,” she points out. “This set-up allows the children to have a relationship with both parents, while forming new bonds with extended and new family members, without having to navigate feelings of animosity which aren’t their own.”
3. Think about how you can combine family systems
Karen says in the initial stages after parents get new partners it’s important to address the workings of the family system – the combined history, values, rituals, attitudes and behaviours of family members.
“When families separate they often fail to recognise a need to pay attention to established rituals and ways of being, when moving into a new way of living is on the horizon.”
4. Help everyone understand how things will change
“Many new blended families set off with high hopes, only to crash on the