Helen MacDonald The true meaning of chicken run

Many shops have been closed and CHRISTMAS is looming

So I’m short of ideas and need gift inspiration

To get my brain working and ideas blooming,

When I’m feeling frustrated and flat with deflation.

I’ve resorted to searching through internet sites

Where suggestions are made for presents to buy

I CANNOT believe all the suggested ‘delights’

Which bewilder my mind and quite mystify!

Now for whom could I purchase some PINK RUBBER GLOVES

With fake rings on the fingers and fur round the cuffs?

Which one of my friends would utterly love To sport them when cleaning the dust and the fluff?

And to continue the theme of tedious housework

DUST MOP SLIPPERS must be a choice at the top;

Kitchen floors can be purged of all dirt and black murk

By dancing and gliding with SOLES made from MOPS!

There’s also a cure for a common complaint

When slicing and chopping and preparing a meal.

Wear ONION GOGGLES and look rather quaint

(But they’re LUMINOUS GREEN so the look’s not ideal!)

Then for parents of teens who are glued to phone screens

From waking to sleeping and all in between

You can acquire a PHONE PRISON with bars and a PADLOCK

And force them to join in with the family talk!

As for ‘BACON STRIP PLASTERS, I’m COMPLETELY dumbstruck

Why on earth would you cover your cut finger or knee

With a picture of bacon, just recently cooked?

To understand this inventor, I’m totally STUCK!

And talking of bacon there’s a LAZY MAN PAN

So large it can fry a full English for six

All at the same time in its GINORMOUS span

With sausage, tomatoes and fried eggs in the mix.

Now this one’s quite clever and can solve someone’s gift

Be they male, female or indeterminate (to cover all genders)

It’s a BAND that’s MAGNETIC to fit on the wrist

And hold screws, pins or nails for a DIY mender!

And if the job that they’re doing is in a dark place

And there’s no way of lighting with torch or a lamp

These GLOW IN THE DARK GLOVES with fibreglass base

Will light up and illumine any dark space!

But WEIRDEST of all, to me anyway (I expect I’m too ancient to keep up with progress)

Is the ‘sturdy yet comfy’ LEASH and HARNESS

For a certain home pet that you’ll not EVER guess.

It scratches and fusses in its back-garden pen

And provides you with food for that Lazy Man Pan

Yes! Its for taking your CHICKEN out for a stroll

Whilst keeping it safe and under control. Can you imagine the stares and astonished remarks

As you and your hen strut out in the park?

Last of all when you’ve shopped and wrapped gifts till you’re weary

And so tense and wound up that you’re even quite teary

Just get out your FIDGET CUBE to take away stress

It has five different functions to alleviate distress!