‘Victim... witness... survivor?’
GIRL, 15, WHO FLED ARENA ATTACK WRITES ABOUT HER PSYCHOLOGICAL TORMENT AS EXPERTS OFFER ADVICE ON HOW TO COPE
At first, I began to feel guilt because we got out of there and 22 people didn’t make it home Aimee Midgley
THIS past week has been extremely tough and an emotional rollercoaster of feeling guilt, sadness and anger. As we pass a week since the tragedy, I thought things were going to start to get better but I thought wrong.
Sitting with my mum at 10.31pm last night (this Monday), hugging her tighter than ever, it was so surreal to believe that this time last week our lives were to change forever. Even though me and my mum are physically ok, the mental thought still haunts me at night.
The emotions I’ve experienced over this past week has been tough.
People ask you ‘are you alright?’ or ‘how you doing?’ and I think that’s the hardest question to answer because you don’t know what to say.
I’ve been so confused with my emotions that I honestly don’t know how I feel. I’ve had no words.
This past week has been especially mentally draining due to all of the confusion, not wanting to eat and just wanting to cry. At first, I began to feel guilt because we got out of there quite fast and 22 people didn’t even make it home.
I also began to feel trapped in some nightmare that I still needed to wake up from but I couldn’t. I sometimes wish I could erase it all but I can’t. I struggled to watch the concert videos of my favourite musician because of what happened but as the week has progressed, I’ve begun to watch them more and realised that hatred and disgusting human beings can’t take away the amazing time I had at the concert.
My experience might not have been as extreme as others but it still was something.
I’ve asked my mum and my closest friends what I should call myself. People have been categorised under injured or those who sadly lost their lives. I thought to myself, what am I? A victim, a witness, a survivor?
There are several difficult things to deal with:
The what ifs? – when I think of this I think what if we were in the foyer when it happened? What if I got separated from my mum? I try not to think of these things but it’s hard not to.
The noises – the hard thing about this is trying to remove all of the noises from your mind. I struggle with the fire alarm at school so it makes it even harder.
The replay – it almost seems like a movie constantly replaying in my mind but then I realise that it’s reality and I was actually there.
Seeing the mass panic – this is particularly hard as we had no idea what had happened and for that to instantly happen just worries and panics you. The unknown.
Saying the words explosion, bomb, terrorist, attack.
Seeing emergency services (ambulances) and hearing the sirens – I feel pathetic about this one because if I see or hear one I instantly shut my eyes and cover my ears.
There has been one person through all of this that has inspired me to be strong and that is my mum. On Monday night she was so calm and took care of me and my friends.
I don’t think it really hit her until Tuesday morning but still she has been so strong and guided me through this tough week and I just want to thank her for doing that. She’s not only my mum, but is my best friend, role model and inspiration. One thing I really want to emphasise is mental awareness. People, including me, were mentally hurt by the events that took place. So if you know anyone out there that is struggling, just talk to them and sit with them because that is the best thing at the moment. Thank you so much for reading. This blog is to not only to express my emotions but show my mental progress to getting me back to my positive, happy person.