Talking saves lives and I’m a massive believer in that now. They saved me from a dark place
TO customers in his Altrincham restaurant, Rob Lee was chatty, outgoing and – to all appearances – happy. But at home with his wife and two young children, the mask slipped; he was distant, snappy and plagued by worries about the business that kept him awake at night. The stress of running Eat:Kaizen took a heavy toll on Rob’s mental health and cost him his marriage. Now he is speaking out to urge others not to suffer in silence as he did. “It was all-consuming – and I totally got consumed by it,” he said. Rob opened Eat:Kaizen, a fitness-focused restaurant last February with his sister Emma Graham and business partner Daniel Furness. The restaurant quickly gained a loyal following, but delays in the fit-out of the Stamford New Road site had put them on the back foot from the beginning, leading to spiralling money worries. “We had people employed when we weren’t open, and rents and rates don’t Rob Lee stand still while you’re waiting,” he said. “I’d be waking up at all hours of the night. I’d suddenly wake up with something in my head and I’d not be able to get back to sleep. Some of it was about staff, some of it was about creditors and the cash flow.”
Rob never confided in anyone about his worries, not even his wife.
“I never shared any of this – that was the biggest thing,” he said.
“I always felt if I shared something with someone I would be making it their problem. I never wanted people to think I was a burden. “I kept everything totally locked up.” Instead, he blew off steam by drinking with colleagues after work on Friday nights, rolling in at ‘4am, 5am, sometimes 6am.’
Rob’s case is far from unique in the restaurant world. Stress is endemic in hospitality, with long, unsocial hours and a high-pressure environment creating a perfect breeding ground for it – and an often macho culture keeping it hushed up.
More than a third of hospitality workers are struggling with mental health issues according to a recent survey by CV-Library. Nearly half said their job was a ‘key contributor.’
“I’ve spoken to other restaurant owners, chefs and managers at other places and it’s rife,” said Rob. “So many people are struggling with these issues.”
The long hours and late nights out left little time for Rob’s family and his marriage soon became strained. “The only time I was getting with them was when I was grumpy and hungover,” he said. “I was never present when I was at home. The people who needed me most and deserved the best of me were getting the very worst of me. That just built and built.”
Worries about his marriage coupled with the stress of the business eventually manifested in panic attacks.
But it was only when he and his wife separated that he admitted he needed help. Rob went to his GP where he was diagnosed with stress-related illness and referred for counselling.
Faced with a long NHS waiting list, he sought help elsewhere and found Altrincham-based charity The Counselling and Family Centre, which offers affordable, means-tested therapy.
“I thought therapy was something you only see on American TV shows,” he said. “I didn’t think it could help me. I was too proud to do something like that. But my first session was like a massive flood gate had opened.
“The way I felt after talking to this person in an environment like that, it was just the biggest release – it was unbelievable.
“They say talking saves lives and I’m a massive believer in that now. They saved me from such a dark place.”
Rob closed the restaurant last week to focus on his mental health and his kids, and is now feeling positive about the future. He is now studying counselling at Stockport College and hopes to help others by speaking out about his experience for Mental Health Awareness Week
The Mental Health Foundation says stress can increase people’s risk of addictive and destructive behaviour, and of developing anxiety, depression and other mental health problems.
Rob hopes sharing his story will give others the courage to speak up and seek help too.
“I’d just say to anyone struggling: talk to anybody. It doesn’t have to be a professional to begin with. Just talk to friends. I thought people would judge me but it’s so not the case. People have been absolutely amazing.
“But I would also say look at things like counselling. That initial session of speaking to someone lifted the lid off it for me and that’s what enabled me to speak to friends and family openly.”
For more information on how to manage and reduce stress visit mentalhealth.org.uk/campaigns/mentalhealth-awareness-week.