LISA SALMON

The authors of What’s My Teenager Thinking? explain why teens act the way they do and how parents can get inside their heads and handle flashpoints. reports

IT’S reasonable to assume parenting gets easier as children get older but that’s not always the case – some parents believe dealing with teenagers is as bad, if not worse, than raising toddlers. Despite doing their best to say and do the right thing with moody adolescents, parents can often be damned as criticising or controlling by their offspring.

But at a time when teenagers face unprecedented mental health challenges, it’s more important than ever for parents to find better ways to understand and connect with them. That’s why parenting author Tanith Carey and child psychologist Dr Angharad Rudkin have got together to write What’s My Teenager Thinking?.

The book uses child and developmental psychology, plus neuroscience, to translate adolescent behaviour in more than 100 everyday scenarios, looking at it from both the parent’s perspective and the teenager’s, and offering practical, easy-to-access solutions for parents.

“Parenting teens often feels like a rollercoaster ride,” observes Tanith, a mother of two teenagers herself. “Teenagers are going through the same sort of brain reorganisation as toddlers do – only now your child is a lot bigger and you’re more likely to panic that any bad decisions they make now could impact their future.

“As parents, it’s also easy to assume teenagers are just being ‘difficult’ when they act irresponsibly or are rude. But these things won’t feel as triggering or frustrating once you understand the adolescent psychology and brain development that underlies their behaviour.”

Here, Tanith and Dr Rudkin outline three scenarios parents might face with their teenagers, and how best to deal with them:

Getting teens out of bed can be a daily struggle

I’LL TIDY MY ROOM LATER

YOUR teen’s room looks as if it’s been hit by a bomb.

What your teen is thinking: When they were younger, your teenager’s room was a place to sleep and keep their things. Now an adolescent, they see it as an expression of who

they are, as well as a sanctuary to escape to. Having their things around them makes them feel safe. Tidying up may also involve a level of planning and self-discipline they haven’t developed.

What you’re thinking: You may feel they’re not respecting your home or the things you’ve bought, and not developing the organisational skills needed to look after themselves.

How to respond: View your teen’s untidiness as part of the transition to adulthood. The outward mess represents some of the reorganisation going on inside their brain.

Limit instructions to one or two at a time, like putting rubbish in a bin bag, followed by putting dirty laundry in the basket. Suggest they blitz the room for five minutes because once they’ve started, they’re likely to keep going.

Talk about how it’s in their own interests, as they’ll be able to find things more easily and clothes look better if they’re hung up, so they’ll want to do it for their own reasons. Keep faith that they’ll eventually work out that a neater room is a more pleasant place to be.

I DIDN’T SLAM THE DOOR

YOUR teen storms off and slams the door following a row.

What your teen’s thinking: Just like toddlers, teens have volatile emotions that can lead to temper