AM I JUST HIS EASY OPTION?
I’VE known my on-off boyfriend for years although I liked him long before. It was always casual and on his terms. Eventually I took some work abroad but when I returned six months later we fell straight back into the same pattern. I promised myself I would be tougher but I didn’t know how. Things slowly died out, and I cried and raged and vowed to move on. Then he told me he would make more of an effort. He came to my birthday and I eventually met his mum. We talk more. He listens more. But I’m still feeling so anxious and insecure. What can I do?
You can’t simply build a relationship on the strength of your own feelings.
‘Love is not something you pour into the space between you and someone else,’ says James McConnachie. ‘If you try that you’ll never stop pouring and, as I see it, you’re already saying he doesn’t value or respect you.’
Whether or not he listens more isn’t the point – he clearly isn’t listening enough.
‘It’s as if you’re in some sort of relationship boot camp, with every turn demanding more work from you, more adjustment and more tolerance of uncertainty and pain,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin.
So have you asked yourself why you’re with him?
‘Do you think of him as someone who can genuinely make you happy or is it that you’ve always had feelings for him and haven’t revised the situation as it’s evolved?’ she asks.
Perhaps it’s that you’re prepared to settle for so little because your expectations of loving relationships are so low.
‘One lousy birthday and meeting Mum aren’t enough,’ says Rupert Smith. ‘When I think about people who have such low opinions of what they’re worth, I question what patterns were laid down in their childhood. Were there dependable adults in your life who gave you what you needed, both emotionally and materially, or did they teach you to be grateful for little scraps of attention?’
What also strikes us is how your boyfriend appears to be fine with his dismissive treatment of you, suggesting he is also cemented in an unhealthy pattern.
‘Is he someone who knows himself and cares for others?’ asks Rudkin. ‘Is he a good friend? Does he look after his family? Is he committed to work? Or is he someone who always goes along with the easiest option?’
Smith suggests talking to a therapist about your relational expectations.
‘You might be surprised at how you can change,’ he says.
Tolerating a lack of commitment can seem bearable on a superficial level but even casual flings can erode our self-confidence and trust.
‘We must always review the impact another is having on how we consider ourselves,’ says Rudkin. ‘No one deserves to be another’s easy option.’ is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Send your dilemmas to lisa.scott@metro.co.uk