Getting back on the roller-coaster
MY WIFE and I separated earlier this year and things have been civil and kind. I’m in my late forties and I haven’t dated for well over two decades. I was recently set up on a date with a woman who is seven years younger than me and it was the most fun I’d had in years. We initially met for a coffee and a walk, and things appeared to develop well. Then, after a few months, she became distant and when she ended things, she was vague about why. It feels like it has hit me harder than my divorce – and my enthusiasm for my new chapter has waned. What do you make of it?
Nothing dents your confidence like sticking your neck out – and getting a slap in the face for it.
‘Although it feels humiliating, it shouldn’t be,’ says James McConnachie. ‘You should be proud of yourself for showing courage in the first place, like a teenager who’s just starting dating.’
You’re equally vulnerable because you’ve been cocooned within the predictable safety of a long-standing union for so long.
‘You’re now rediscovering what life is like on the other side of the relationship coin,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘The roller-coaster of dating is exciting but potentially bewildering and, although you might feel like a million dollars when it’s all going well, the higher your confidence climbs, it can mean having further to fall when things don’t work out.’
‘While you maintained a sense of control as you navigated your separation, this woman has shown you quite a different experience,’ says Rupert Smith. ‘But her sudden coldness will be related to unsolved issues in her life, not you.
‘When I was younger, I interpreted every rejection as a judgment on me. I used to think I wasn’t interesting or attractive or worthwhile enough for the other person. But over time, I’ve realised there’s a handful of standard reasons for people taking the easy way out – they’re secretly in a relationship, frightened of being in a relationship or incapable of having one.’
Not knowing what’s in her mind is bound to drive an anxious fugue of speculation but remind yourself that when someone avoids speaking honestly, it’s usually because they feel they’re in the wrong.
‘If she won’t tell you why, you’ll just have to file it under “mysteries/upsetting” and move on, trusting that it has nothing to do with how lovely you are,’ says McConnachie.
In a very short space of time, you have discovered much about the dating game – the heartbreak and the pleasure that is possible – and displayed the grace and respect you are able to show any potential partners.
‘So now retrain your heart,’ says McConnachie. ‘Practise loving in small ways so that when real, big, long-lasting love comes along again, you’re ready.’