‘We are not special, We are similar’

Prepare to be disappointed

Following Brown’s guidance, I find myself in bed compiling the list of potential ‘disappointers’. Off the top of my head, there’s the pushy woman at the gym who always dominates the space, the customer service person I’ll speak to for the umpteenth time about a booking and my partner, who will be more engrossed by his phone than by my musings.

As part of the meditation, you must remind yourself ‘they will act like this because in that moment they will know no better’ and (somewhat begrudgingly) acknowledge ‘the wrong they do is similar to my own that I commit every day’. The point, Brown says, is to prime yourself for the challenges ahead.

‘Where might you let yourself down? Do you have unrealistic expectations of someone?’ In doing so, you can mentally prepare, avert negative outbursts and react as the best version of yourself. It’s true – by the end of the day, it’s helped.

Gym? The woman wasn’t there. Call? I remained unusually calm. Boyfriend? OK, I concede that screeching ‘stop looking at your phone!’ wasn’t my finest moment.

Beware your own storytelling

Our own storytelling has a lot to answer for. It’s how and why we view the world as we do – but it’s entirely subjective.

As Brown highlights in the book, an ‘accusation is a story on our part, a narrative of interpretation of events’ which is, like most things, largely impacted by our formative years. But that’s on us, therefore we need to ‘own it’, he says.

So when I’m faced with a certain situation (again), I decide to use Brown’s example verbatim and, in a somewhat stilted voice, announce: ‘It makes me feel annoyed when you do that, like you’re ignoring me.’ The boyfriend looks bewildered for a moment but he does put his phone down.

Gain perspective

Brown observes that ‘much of our unhappiness comes from ruminating over past events or worrying about those yet to come’.

I don’t tend to catastrophise but sometimes a memory will pop up in my head, often in the middle of the night when everything takes on greater significance, and then unwarranted overanalysis ensues. Brown says we must learn to press pause on replaying past experiences and the best way to do that is by

Our own storytelling has a lot to answer for, it’s why we view the world as we do

asking yourself: ‘Do I have a problem right now?’ I try this out and find it’s a simple but effective way to keep things in perspective, especially at two in the morning.

Know you’re not so special

Despite what our parents, friends, influencers and self-help gurus have told us, we’re not special or unique. Not only that, ‘we are as flawed and intolerable as others we’re encountering’, says Brown.

We get defensive, we’re easily influenced by others, our behaviour’s predictable, we gossip, we’re awkward and we’re tormented by feelings of inadequacy. ‘We are not special, we are similar,’ he says, and by admitting our vulnerabilities, we ease the pressure we put on ourselves. I, for one, feel socially awkward most of the time, which I try to conceal, only to then appear standoffish or a bumbling mess. That’s my truth I hereby share with you. In response, I imagine you’ll either relate or not really care – and I suppose that’s the point Brown is making.

Enjoy the journey

There’s another area where he believes the self-help industry has misguided us, and it relates to setting goals and selfbelief. He points out goalsetting is fine in the short term, for deadlines, but it’s not something we should stretch over years. What happens when you reach that goal? What have you missed in the meantime? What if you fail to reach it? Instead, ‘be guided by a sense of what’s enjoyable’ rather than ‘fixate on endings’ – find fulfilment in what you do and savour the journey.

I find this is pertinent as a freelancer. It’s tough out there but I endeavour to remind myself of the reasons I took the leap and enjoy the ride.