I feel trapped in my old life
MY BOYFRIEND and I are moving to a new city and because of family commitments I’ve had to stay behind while he goes ahead. Lockdown has now delayed the reason I’m staying behind, which means I don’t have a date to travel to him. I now feel in a rut and frustrated about so much of what is happening. I just want to be in our new house, getting on with our life. I can struggle to talk about how I feel and long distance has never appealed. Now it’s been forced on me. What’s your advice? these emotions will be bubbling under the surface and probably manifesting as physical aches and snappiness.
‘But given that you’ve got so much going for you – a boyfriend who wants you, a new house, a future planned out – I must assume this anxiety comes very naturally to you,’ says Rupert Smith. ‘Is this a pattern you recognise from your childhood? You struggle to talk about how you feel? Follow the thread of this pattern back to its earliest days and see what it reveals.’
Dr Rudkin also suggests practising a technique called decentring, which involves extracting yourself from the current moment and taking on a broader perspective.
‘Imagine a helicopter lifting off and the wider perspective this elevation gives you,’ she explains. ‘This decentring is useful because it helps to shift our awareness from our day-to-day lives and see that all our feelings are temporary.’
It’s also good to seek out certainties: moments with your parents, regular chats with friends and a working date to see to your boyfriend.
‘All plans have to be adapted to circumstances but that shouldn’t stop us making them,’ says McConnachie. ‘Once your plan is made, you can focus on the present, which will help the future arrive much faster.’
Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor
We have all become less accomplished at waiting.
‘We’re used to high-speed lives, and phones and Zoom calls can create an illusion of closeness that sometimes makes the waiting harder still,’ says James McConnachie.
None of us currently feel in control of our lives but separations have always been difficult because a majority of us are dependent on the physical proximity of the people we care about.
‘While we can manage physical separation from our parents, it is much harder to manage our anxiety when we are physically separated from our partners,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘We worry about coping without them and it also triggers quite intense worries about whether they’re going to keep us in mind.’
Because you are someone who struggles to communicate their feelings,
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Send your dilemma to lisa.scott@metro.co.uk