Why can’t I let my ex go?
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND ended our relationship earlier this year and I’ve done everything I can to get her back but she says she’s moved on and wants a fresh start. We were together for four great years and I think we could get back together. I have another ex-girlfriend who lives nearby, who left me for someone else and then tried to get back with me when things didn’t work out. We have a vague friendship now and she’s suggested we have no-strings sex since there’s not much chance of meeting other people at the moment. I miss sex and still find her attractive but I’m not interested in anything more with her. I worry that if this gets back to my recent ex, it could ruin any chance we have left. What’s your advice?
When you risk ruining a reconciliation that has a likelihood of approximately zero, it stays zero.
‘You are not with your recent ex and, from what I can see, all the hopes about getting back together come from you,’ says James McConnachie. ‘But when someone says they have “moved on” and desire a “fresh start”, their message is fairly unequivocal.’
However painful it might be, we suggest you start listening to her.
‘If she still has a hold over you – to the extent that you feel you have to behave in order to please her – the sooner you break those chains, the better,’ says
Rupert Smith. ‘There’s nothing like a bit of recreational sex to re-establish your freedom and self-respect.’
But is it possible to have nostrings sex with an ex? Can you trust that you won’t find yourself in a tricky situation?
‘Can you manage to have sex with her without bringing back difficult memories?’ Smith adds. ‘If you’re unsure, it might be worth looking elsewhere.’
Dr Angharad Rudkin believes your history could mean this arrangement will not only become problematic but will continue to illuminate the pain you’re already managing.
‘Her offer might be tempting but it could create more hurt as you realise that what you had with your recent ex, you no longer have,’ she says.
‘You are better off trying to find the genuine no-strings variety but it’s difficult with Covid restrictions and may well leave you feeling worse again. It’s heartbreaking when we love someone more than they love us but we do recover.’
The path of least resistance is to heal from your heartache and then commit to one person who can satisfy both your needs for love and sex, instead of attempting to meet them separately, as you are now.
‘To accept it’s over is to accept the grief that will follow the acceptance,’ says McConnachie. ‘Know that healing will follow grieving, as day follows night.’