WHY IT’S GOOD TO BE
AUTHOR AND LIFE COACH MICHELLE ELMAN TELLS VICKI-MARIE COSSAR
ARE you constantly t tl saying i yes to Zoom calls even though you’ve completely lost interest? Do you allow your friends to offload their worries on you? If yes, then maybe it’s time to put yourself first and start setting some boundaries. ‘People think that in order to be a good person, you need to put other’s needs before your own,’ says Michelle Elman, author of The Joy Of Being Selfish: Why You Need Boundaries And How To Set Them. ‘And, if you do put your needs first, you are considered selfish. The problem is, once you’ve put everyone else’s needs first, there is usually no time or energy left for you. The cost of being selfless is your own self-care.’
Life coach Michelle has been cited as one of the 50 most inspirational women in the UK and, as a result of her work, she has amassed more than 300,000 followers across social media. Her latest book delves into self-love. ‘Women, particularly, are taught from a young age that they must swallow their wants and needs to be a good person,’ she says. ‘How ‘H often ft h have you h heard df of a mother being called selfish for prioritising her own dreams above her family. We are told that being selfless is the best thing you can be, but I completely disagree with that.’
The word selfish holds a huge stigma in society. It’s associated with the idea that you disregard everyone and everything else and put your needs above all others. But why wouldn’t you prioritise your health and wellbeing? How can you be expected to be the best version of you, if you are stressed out, tired and emotionally drained? ‘There are lots of terms like self-love and selfcare, but what exactly do they mean?’ asks Michelle. ‘Is that a long bubble bath and painting your nails? To me, self-love is deleting your ex’s number from your mobile. I believe in order to have self-love it is necessary to be selfish. You can have as many baths as you like, but if you’re still letting others talk negatively to you, then that’s not self-love.’
So, what’s the answer? Michelle advocates boundaries. ‘Having boundaries isn’t about shutting yourself off, being mean or refusing to be a team player,’ she says. ‘They are about identifying something important to your wellbeing. That might be limiting time with a toxic friend, or saying no to a Friday night Zoom call. Boundaries allow for connection and intimacy with the right people, but they are not to be confused with walls, and grudges. It’s not about cutting people off or pushing them away.’
According to Michelle, setting some basic boundaries for time management and friendships is a good way to start. In fact, boundaries are more important than ever if you’re working from home and need to re-set your work/ life balance. ‘Boundaries are how we communicate what is acceptable and what is not,’ she adds. ‘They are essential for self-esteem, confidence and personal power. When you demand respect, your self-respect flourishes and you will have much better idea of your self-worth.’
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Taking care:
BILLY VUNIPOLA admits he has been ‘playing rubbish’ and is determined to repay England with a return to form against Wales on Saturday.
Vunipola has been a shadow of the player famed for powering Eddie Jones’ team onto the front foot, making only ten metres in three carries in the Six Nations opener against Scotland and 31 from eight against Italy – enduring the indignity of being replaced on both occasions.
Of all relegated Saracens’ players to have suffered from the lack of club matches, Vunipola has felt the inactivity most, but the 28-year-old is determined to reverse the slide.
‘I’ve just been playing rubbish, I can’t lie. I need to turn up this weekend and that’s what I’m planning on doing,’ Vunipola said.
‘It’s about helping me motivate myself to help the team. And to help
the team I need to be the player that I know I can be.
‘I know I haven’t been that player and it’s annoying me more than anyone else. I’m ready for Wales. I haven’t been myself and I need to go out there and show what I can do.’
To illustrate the extent of his slump Vunipola has had texts of encouragement from his parents, while the birth of his first child in November has created challenges.
He said: ‘ You know you’re playing badly when your mum and dad are the only ones texting you, saying they love you and support you!
‘Three weeks ago was the first time that I left my wife and kid and I never truly left that person behind – I turned up to camp and I was still the person I was at home.
‘It sounds weird, but you need to detach yourself from your wife a bit to focus on what is going on here.’