SIXTY SECONDS
THE WRITER AND PRESENTER, 44, ON CONFUSING JIM CARREY, LIFTING ATLAS STONES AND HIS NEW CHILDREN’S BOOK
Your latest book is about a world where all our screens suddenly go blank. I thought this was a children’s book, not a horror story…
Initially I thought it would be a comedy horror for kids. Just the idea of it, my God – smart TVs, iPads, laptops, Minecraft, all of it disappearing. How terrifying would that be? Not just for kids but for the grown-ups as well.
Technology moves so fast. Could you even imagine writing a story like this when you were young?
I know, and I tried to put in a lot of stuff for parents as well about how we grew up. I remember sitting by the TV with my tape recorder, trying to record the theme tunes for The Littlest Hobo and The A-Team. When you tell your own kids about your childhood they look at you like you may as well have been born in 1832.
Have we become too reliant on technology?
In lockdown, I saw a different side of screens, a really positive side where children could press a button and conjure up their grandparents or see their school friends and play games with them and just chat. Used correctly, screens can make some pretty tricky times a little easier.
If all technology disappeared tomorrow, what would you miss the most?
I wasn’t confident driving anywhere, particularly in London, until one day I was in the back of a taxi and it was the first time I saw a satnav. I couldn’t believe it. How did it know where we were? How does it know where we’re going? This is the pinnacle of all human achievement! Then I got one and felt I could go anywhere because previously I’d make wrong turnings and I can’t read maps. I’d definitely suffer with the loss of satnavs.
You’ve got the best job on TV – commentating on World’s Strongest Man…
I have no idea how I got it. My dream job had always been Eurovision and that was never going to happen but World’s Strongest Man is my Eurovision and my chance to commentate and make jokes but also let the serious stuff
I worry there will be a generation thinking their parents grew up in a cult run by me
breathe. There was confusion when I first turned up with my co-commentator, Colin Bryce, because I assumed I’d been brought there to make jokes, as I didn’t know that much about World’s Strongest Man apart from as a viewer. So I made my first joke and Colin just stared at me and went, ‘What are you doing?’ I said I was there to make jokes and he told me I was actually lead commentator.
Have you had a go at lifting an atlas stone?
I’d struggle to lift a marble so I’m in awe of these giant men [such as current World’s Strongest Man Oleksii Novikov]. I put my back out lifting a small bag of tiles the other day.
How’s your Join Me movement going, the meet-up collective that carries out acts of kindness?
I’ve had stories about marriages and travelling the globe and children born through it. So much happiness has come out of it. What’s weird about it is that they still have meet-ups every year but they’ve changed in the past 20 years because what started off as a pub full of young and middle-aged people getting drunk and making friends now has an entire wing of the pub packed with children born because of Join Me. I don’t know how their parents describe my role in that. I worry there will be a generation thinking their parents grew up in a cult run by me but they exist and I’m sure they’ll remember me in their wills.
It could go a bit L Ron Hubbard…
It would be quite something if in 20 or 30 years I just let everyone know that, actually, this is all based on some kind of alien race who live in a volcano. If something goes a bit wrong with me, perhaps that’s what I’ll start claiming.
Jim Carrey played you in Yes Man. Kept in touch?
I got to hang out on set and in London when he came over but I was never under any illusions that I could go, well, that’s it, he’s my best friend now. I’d just done Mastermind and my specialist subject was Ghostbusters. He wanted to know what Mastermind was so I showed him a video and he was like, ‘What the hell is this show? Why is that man so grumpy? And is the audience terrified?’ Mastermind doesn’t really translate to American eyes.
You’re a titan of breakfast radio. A slot just opened on ITV at breakfast time. Fancy it?
They’d be stupid not to put me straight in there. I’m sure they’d love to redesign the entire programme so it was mainly me talking about very strong men.
The Day The Screens Went Blank is out now