Best left in the 1980s toy box
THE BIG RELEASE SNAKE EYES: GI JOE ORIGINS 12A ★★✩✩✩
CHILDREN of the 1980s may recall Snake Eyes, the mute, faceless (thanks to a black-visored motorcycle helmet) Hasbro action figure with a very cool sword. That’s basically all we know about him, so our hero walks into this origin story as pretty much a blank slate – which is also how he leaves it.
Cue uninspired backstory – having witnessed his dad get executed by a bad dude who likes to roll dice before killing people, young Snake Eyes (now an appealing Henry Golding) becomes a cage fighter then gets recruited by the Yakuza, as you do in such movies. But Snake’s loyalties are tested when he saves the life of the heir of Japan’s premiere ninja clan (a too-good-for-this-film Andrew Koji), who offers Snake the family he craves, if only he can pass a series of life-ordeath challenges.
Crazy Rich Asians star Henry Golding puts in his most convincing bid yet to play 007. He’s British (audibly so, thanks to his wobbly American accent), he’s dashing and the ladies love him so much they even forgave him for Last Christmas. His portrayal of a plastic action doll may be just a touch too accurate but the fact Snake Eyes ends up as a cliché-soaked snore is not his fault. That lies with R.I.P.D. director Robert Schwentke, who never feels like he’s got a grip on this material. I mean, why cast Indonesian martial arts icon Iko Uwais (The Raid) as a ninja master whose character is all about NOT fighting?
On the plus side it’s an expensively stylish production, particularly the costumes (biker leather is clearly all the rage in Hollywood these days, judging by this and Black Widow) and there is a novelty ninja granny who perks up proceedings. However, there’s no disguising the dialogue is 80 per cent exposition, the bloodless swordplay is pointlessly hacked about by over-editing and it is ultimately just not as fun as a kids’ flick based on a bunch of toys should be.