Fun in the sun? That’s the joke!

Midweek Sport - - NEWS -

Coach Trip, re­turn of Kid­nap And Ran­som to ITV1.

It was the usual blend of ten­sion, drama and ut­ter bob­bins. (Yes, the In­dian po­lice are al­ways al­low­ing free­lance hostage ne­go­tia­tors to wan­der around on­go­ing sieges, chip­ping in when it suits).

Very en­joy­able, though, es­pe­cially the lin­ger­ing shot of Kim­ber­ley Nixon in bed. She is best known for her Fresh Meat, although it won’t be if she stays on that hot coach much longer.

Here she plays the daugh­ter of the Bri­tish For­eign Sec­re­tary. If her cap­tors dis­cover that, she’ll be Dead Meat. HOL­I­DAY sit­com re­turned to ITV1 – spon­sored by a GER­MAN drink!

Ap­par­ently sev­eral Bri­tish firms wanted the hon­our but Bavaria Lager Shandy had put its towel down. Re­ally early.

I was more shocked to see ad­verts for hol­i­day firms dur­ing the breaks. Do they hon­estly think this de­press­ing garbage will make peo­ple want to rush off and book their jol­lies?

Benidorm is like Hi-de-hi with skin can­cer. The only trip it makes me want to book is a short break in a Swiss clinic (out­bound flight only) or a cruise through the Ber­muda Tri­an­gle with an Ital­ian cap­tain at the helm.

The char­ac­ters are hate­ful, the act­ing is shock­ing and the plots are thin­ner than the walls of the av­er­age Costa Blanca 2-star stu­dio apart­ment.

And the gags? Sweet baby Je­sus, they were old.

Most were writ­ten when the only Brits who went to Spain were fight­ing Gen­eral Franco in the Span­ish Civil War.

Some were even older. When wannabe thes­pian Ken­neth was boast­ing about his part in A Mid­sum­mer Night’s Dream, he ac­tu­ally said: “My Bot­tom was the talk of Derby for weeks.”

“Most peo­ple make do with a round of ap­plause,” minced Gavin.

Never mind fight­ing Franco. That one was do­ing the rounds when we were fight­ing the Span­ish Ar­mada.

If you care, the fifth se­ries be­gan with the Solana get­ting a new man­ager, a snobby har­ri­dan called Joyce Tem­ple Sav­age, played by Sher­rie Jew­son.

Sorry, I mean Hew­son. I al­ways make that mis­take. Her act­ing is so wooden she re­minds me of a tim­ber mer­chant.

Sher­rie ( left) tried to raise the tone by book­ing a clas­si­cally- trained opera singer but it did not go down well with the Brit crowd. The only clas­sics they en­joy are Ree­bok.

Luck­ily, the “Ital­ian” singer turned out to be a chirpy Man­cu­nian who won them over by belt­ing out the Jour­ney an­them Don’t Stop Believin’.

OK, but can I please Stop Watchin’? THERE was a male cheer­leader on ITV1’S If you think that sounds a bit sissy, you should have seen his demon­stra­tion: it re­quired strength, brav­ery and a will­ing­ness to stare di­rectly into a girl’s crotch while she stands on your shoul­ders.

Host Paddy Mcgui­ness had a go, too. Luck­ily, hav­ing watched Sean Maguire moun­tain climb on he is used to star­ing up at c***s.

John, the cheer­leader, picked Wi­gan lass Bec af­ter she said: “I’m hop­ing I can wear one of those out­fits and you can toss me in the air.”

I imag­ine he was go­ing to say the same thing dur­ing the date. DR WHO ac­tor Matt Smith was a good sport on

telling Clark­son about an em­bar­rass­ing mo­ment with sexy French ac­tress Eva Green (

They were film­ing a love scene – Smith and Green, not Smith and Clark­son – in which he had to emerge naked from a very cold sea.

“It is nor­mally much more ma­jes­tic than that,” Smith told the unim­pressed Bond girl about his, erm, wib­bly lever.

He should have said it was like the Tardis: small to look at – but seems mas­sive once he’s in­side.

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