Fun in the sun? That’s the joke!
Coach Trip, return of Kidnap And Ransom to ITV1.
It was the usual blend of tension, drama and utter bobbins. (Yes, the Indian police are always allowing freelance hostage negotiators to wander around ongoing sieges, chipping in when it suits).
Very enjoyable, though, especially the lingering shot of Kimberley Nixon in bed. She is best known for her Fresh Meat, although it won’t be if she stays on that hot coach much longer.
Here she plays the daughter of the British Foreign Secretary. If her captors discover that, she’ll be Dead Meat. HOLIDAY sitcom returned to ITV1 – sponsored by a GERMAN drink!
Apparently several British firms wanted the honour but Bavaria Lager Shandy had put its towel down. Really early.
I was more shocked to see adverts for holiday firms during the breaks. Do they honestly think this depressing garbage will make people want to rush off and book their jollies?
Benidorm is like Hi-de-hi with skin cancer. The only trip it makes me want to book is a short break in a Swiss clinic (outbound flight only) or a cruise through the Bermuda Triangle with an Italian captain at the helm.
The characters are hateful, the acting is shocking and the plots are thinner than the walls of the average Costa Blanca 2-star studio apartment.
And the gags? Sweet baby Jesus, they were old.
Most were written when the only Brits who went to Spain were fighting General Franco in the Spanish Civil War.
Some were even older. When wannabe thespian Kenneth was boasting about his part in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, he actually said: “My Bottom was the talk of Derby for weeks.”
“Most people make do with a round of applause,” minced Gavin.
Never mind fighting Franco. That one was doing the rounds when we were fighting the Spanish Armada.
If you care, the fifth series began with the Solana getting a new manager, a snobby harridan called Joyce Temple Savage, played by Sherrie Jewson.
Sorry, I mean Hewson. I always make that mistake. Her acting is so wooden she reminds me of a timber merchant.
Sherrie ( left) tried to raise the tone by booking a classically- trained opera singer but it did not go down well with the Brit crowd. The only classics they enjoy are Reebok.
Luckily, the “Italian” singer turned out to be a chirpy Mancunian who won them over by belting out the Journey anthem Don’t Stop Believin’.
OK, but can I please Stop Watchin’? THERE was a male cheerleader on ITV1’S If you think that sounds a bit sissy, you should have seen his demonstration: it required strength, bravery and a willingness to stare directly into a girl’s crotch while she stands on your shoulders.
Host Paddy Mcguiness had a go, too. Luckily, having watched Sean Maguire mountain climb on he is used to staring up at c***s.
John, the cheerleader, picked Wigan lass Bec after she said: “I’m hoping I can wear one of those outfits and you can toss me in the air.”
I imagine he was going to say the same thing during the date. DR WHO actor Matt Smith was a good sport on
telling Clarkson about an embarrassing moment with sexy French actress Eva Green (
They were filming a love scene – Smith and Green, not Smith and Clarkson – in which he had to emerge naked from a very cold sea.
“It is normally much more majestic than that,” Smith told the unimpressed Bond girl about his, erm, wibbly lever.
He should have said it was like the Tardis: small to look at – but seems massive once he’s inside.