I’d have played with Bilyana’s G string

“I’M looking for the John Lennon to my Paul Mccartney,” said Alan Sugar on The Apprentice.

Yeah? Well the rest of us are looking for a Mark Chapman to your John Lennon.

I know we say this every year but, seriously, what a shower of c***s.

There is Gabrielle, who says “in business, I will be like an animal and literally roar my way to the top”. Which may seem a bit odd during a quarterly sales meeting.

Then there is Azhar, who calls himself the “master puppeteer”. Presumably as everyone who meets him immediately thinks: “Punch”.

And let’s not forget Ricky, who believes he is “like a shark, at the top of the food chain”. Tell that to a Chinese trawler looking for soup ingredients, you tw*t.

To make it worse, Sugar has already sacked the best looking one. Bilyana (right) was the tall, elegant, raven-haired beauty who – for some strange reason – all the other women took against. Weird, huh?

She tried to save herself in the boardroom by describing her tough start in life but Sugar said he was not interested in sob stories.

“Let’s not get the violin out!” he scoffed.

I wouldn’t have minded watching her have a quick fiddle. BRITAIN’S Got Talent is all about finding an act to please the Queen – so it was good of him to return to the judging panel this year.

Yes, Simon Cowell was back to keep some of Britain’s most desperate, fame-hungry attentionseekers in line.

Or, as they are better known: Amanda Holden, Alesha Dixon and David Walliams.

It was business as usual for the first episode: a few duds, a mad foreigner, a manufactured ‘Subo’ moment, and 158 Welsh boys looking for a better life. Actually, I am not sure if that last one was an act or a backstage rider demand. Either way, Holden was impressed. “I am not sure why but I have never felt so moved,” she blubbed.

Well, you are about to give birth or your Botox has worn off. Either way, it ain’t gonna be pretty.