I’d have played with Bilyana’s G string

Midweek Sport - - NEWS -

“I’M look­ing for the John Len­non to my Paul Mccart­ney,” said Alan Sugar on The Ap­pren­tice.

Yeah? Well the rest of us are look­ing for a Mark Chap­man to your John Len­non.

I know we say this ev­ery year but, se­ri­ously, what a shower of c***s.

There is Gabrielle, who says “in busi­ness, I will be like an an­i­mal and lit­er­ally roar my way to the top”. Which may seem a bit odd dur­ing a quar­terly sales meet­ing.

Then there is Azhar, who calls him­self the “mas­ter pup­peteer”. Pre­sum­ably as ev­ery­one who meets him im­me­di­ately thinks: “Punch”.

And let’s not for­get Ricky, who be­lieves he is “like a shark, at the top of the food chain”. Tell that to a Chi­nese trawler look­ing for soup in­gre­di­ents, you tw*t.

To make it worse, Sugar has al­ready sacked the best look­ing one. Bilyana (right) was the tall, el­e­gant, raven-haired beauty who – for some strange rea­son – all the other women took against. Weird, huh?

She tried to save her­self in the board­room by de­scrib­ing her tough start in life but Sugar said he was not in­ter­ested in sob sto­ries.

“Let’s not get the vi­o­lin out!” he scoffed.

I wouldn’t have minded watch­ing her have a quick fid­dle. BRI­TAIN’S Got Tal­ent is all about find­ing an act to please the Queen – so it was good of him to re­turn to the judg­ing panel this year.

Yes, Si­mon Cow­ell was back to keep some of Bri­tain’s most des­per­ate, fame-hun­gry at­ten­tion­seek­ers in line.

Or, as they are bet­ter known: Amanda Holden, Ale­sha Dixon and David Wal­liams.

It was busi­ness as usual for the first episode: a few duds, a mad for­eigner, a man­u­fac­tured ‘Subo’ mo­ment, and 158 Welsh boys look­ing for a bet­ter life. Ac­tu­ally, I am not sure if that last one was an act or a back­stage rider de­mand. Ei­ther way, Holden was im­pressed. “I am not sure why but I have never felt so moved,” she blubbed.

Well, you are about to give birth or your Bo­tox has worn off. Ei­ther way, it ain’t gonna be pretty.

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