Me, Tulisa, choking, a chicken...it’s X Factor!
I TRIED to be clever on Saturday night by waiting half an hour before watching the new series of
I figured I could enjoy watching some halfwits, dimwits and f*ckwits make fools of themselves (but more about the judges later) then fast-forward through the ad breaks.
Sadly the evil geniuses behind the ITV1 juggernaut were one step ahead of me – and managed to shoehorn a Nandos ad into the actual show.
Well, I say “ad”. It was more like one of those 15-minute infomercials for the chicken restaurant as contestant Sheyi Omatatyo, ( right) who just LOVES working there, talked us through the menu.
By the end I’d forgotten he was there to sing. I thought he was about to show me to my table.
It turns out that when Sheyi is not murdering poultry, he is murdering tunes with what he fondly imagines is the voice of Louis Armstrong.
He failed the audition but needn’t worry because, according to Dermot O’Leary, “working in Nandos is like being a rock star”. Really?
Dodgy product placement deals aside, it was actually a great start to the series. Because whatever you were expecting – either a humdinger or a dingbat – I bet it wasn’t the Cookie Monster singing a Will Young track.
There were a few more pleasant surprises in store, including a nervous chap called Jahmene, who had an amazing voice but dressed and spoke like a ventriloquist’s dummy. Well, if you are going to sign to a Simon Cowell record deal, you might as well look the part.
And Welsh crackpot Zoe, who wanted to do more than impersonate the singer Pink.
“Doing Pink is a day job,” she said, “but this (doing the X Factor) is a career.”
Tell that to Matt Cardle, who won the thing in 2010 and now spends his days doing Pink – although he does the undercoat in white.
There were no surprises from the judges, though. Gary Barlow is still dull, Louis Walsh is still a simpleton and Tulisa still gets choked during performances.
Although, unlike her home videos, this time it was with emotion.
As for guest judge Mel B, she was the same as ever – an old bird with thick skin and plenty of sauce.
Speaking of which, I could murder a Nandos.