Me, Tulisa, chok­ing, a chicken...it’s X Fac­tor!

Midweek Sport - - NEWS -

I TRIED to be clever on Satur­day night by wait­ing half an hour be­fore watch­ing the new se­ries of

I fig­ured I could en­joy watch­ing some halfwits, dimwits and f*ck­wits make fools of them­selves (but more about the judges later) then fast-for­ward through the ad breaks.

Sadly the evil ge­niuses be­hind the ITV1 jug­ger­naut were one step ahead of me – and man­aged to shoe­horn a Nan­dos ad into the ac­tual show.

Well, I say “ad”. It was more like one of those 15-minute in­fomer­cials for the chicken res­tau­rant as con­tes­tant Sheyi Omatatyo, ( right) who just LOVES work­ing there, talked us through the menu.

By the end I’d for­got­ten he was there to sing. I thought he was about to show me to my ta­ble.

It turns out that when Sheyi is not mur­der­ing poul­try, he is mur­der­ing tunes with what he fondly imag­ines is the voice of Louis Arm­strong.

He failed the au­di­tion but needn’t worry be­cause, ac­cord­ing to Der­mot O’Leary, “work­ing in Nan­dos is like be­ing a rock star”. Re­ally?

Dodgy prod­uct place­ment deals aside, it was ac­tu­ally a great start to the se­ries. Be­cause what­ever you were ex­pect­ing – ei­ther a humdinger or a ding­bat – I bet it wasn’t the Cookie Mon­ster singing a Will Young track.

There were a few more pleas­ant sur­prises in store, in­clud­ing a ner­vous chap called Jahmene, who had an amaz­ing voice but dressed and spoke like a ven­tril­o­quist’s dummy. Well, if you are go­ing to sign to a Si­mon Cow­ell record deal, you might as well look the part.

And Welsh crack­pot Zoe, who wanted to do more than im­per­son­ate the singer Pink.

“Do­ing Pink is a day job,” she said, “but this (do­ing the X Fac­tor) is a ca­reer.”

Tell that to Matt Car­dle, who won the thing in 2010 and now spends his days do­ing Pink – al­though he does the un­der­coat in white.

There were no sur­prises from the judges, though. Gary Bar­low is still dull, Louis Walsh is still a sim­ple­ton and Tulisa still gets choked dur­ing per­for­mances.

Al­though, un­like her home videos, this time it was with emo­tion.

As for guest judge Mel B, she was the same as ever – an old bird with thick skin and plenty of sauce.

Speak­ing of which, I could murder a Nan­dos.

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