Who-dunit with Kat? Who hasn’t!

EASTENDERS has run a few “Who-dunit” storylines in its time but last night’s episode was more of a “Who-dun-her?”

It was less “Who shot dirty Den?” and more “Who shagged dirty bitch?”

Like all good murder mysteries, it opened with the discovery of a gruesome body – Kat Slater’s.

Unlike most crime thrillers, however, she was still alive. Dishevelled, sore and slightly sticky, perhaps, but definitely alive.

She had simply forgotten to go home after a late-night tryst with her mystery lover, who had already fled the scene of the grime.

But who was her secret beau? In true Agatha Christie style, a shortlist of potential suspects was laid out.

Was it Derek Branning, who rolled up to the Queen Vic in search of an early morning drink? He claimed it was for “hair of the dog” purposes. Perhaps he meant one of Kat’s was lodged in his throat.

Or was it Jack Branning, who was sleeping on a bench in the square? But why would any red-blooded man swap the soft comfort of a snoozing Kat Slater for kipping on a cold, wooden bench – even if they are the same shade of teak?

Max Branning was another chap who suspiciously failed to return home on the night in question – and tried to make it up to Tanya by presenting her with fresh flowers.

But did he also send that fancy bouquet to Kat at the Queen Vic, using a courier service. Interflora? I’ll bet she is – although any margarine works just as well.

Even Michael Moon is a suspect, having told Janine he went for a night-time stroll. Was he simply enjoying the full moon...or was he helping Kat to be full of Moon?

Who knows? Frankly, who cares? This tiresome mystery will end soon enough, and you can guarantee the culprit will be none of the above.

For what it’s worth, my money is on Colonel Mustard, in the living room, with the lead piping. Well, it felt like lead piping once Kat had worked her magic.