Only surprise is how bad it gets
ON ITV Emmerdale Live was the biggest moment in the soap’s 40-year history, with an ambitious plot full of dramatic twists.
So it was a shame that I spent most of the hour-long episode wondering where the bloody hell I’d seen that midwife before.
Answer – it was our Rita, from Jonny Briggs. (Related fact: Jonny’s beloved Razzle later went on to play “Chalky” in the first three series of Rick Stein’s Food Heroes.) MEMO to Channel 4 about your
fundraiser. Even if this does lead to a cure, this does NOT make us even over the whole Gok Wan thing. “THE more the world is changing,” Cilla Black used to croon at the end of every
“The more it stays the same.”
That nugget of wisdom is even truer today than it was in the 1980s. And do you know why? Because the timid, bean-counting cretins who run television keep making rehashed versions of the SAME OLD SHITE!
Re-making Surprise Surprise!, as ITV1 has with Holly Willoughby ( right) at the helm, is not just scraping the bottom of the barrel.
No, it actually scrapes through the bottom of the barrel then bores into the earth in search of the nearest cesspit, where it is shunned by the other turds for stinking the joint out.
At least the original version was a public service, of sorts, helping people to find long-lost relatives.
But nowadays we have the internet to sort that sh*t out. In the age of Facebook, the only “long lost” relatives are those who wish to remain so, probably to avoid spending any more time with the sort of sad sacks who would sit in a draughty studio watching being filmed.
Why do you think they moved to Canada in the first place? Take a hint!
Sunday night’s series opener had no sob stories but plenty of “So?” stories – a nice lad overcoming his fear of rollercoasters (So?), a couple who’d lost their wedding video (So?), a woman who looked after her dad before he died (So?). The only entertaining moment was the look on the wedding video couple’s faces when they were confronted by the tattooed skinhead who found it.
At that stage, they did not know what was going on and you could see them thinking: “Please don’t let him be that kid we gave up for adoption.”
Even the quality of co-host has slumped.
Cilla had Bob Carolgees with Spit the Dog while Holly gets Kian from Westlife. It’s as if they have replaced the offensive puppet but not its handler.
The sole blessing was that lovely Holly was not forced to sing the theme tune. The only time we need to see Holly warbling about “the unexpected hits me between the eyes” is when, please God, her sex tape is eventually leaked.