Only sur­prise is how bad it gets

Midweek Sport - - NEWS -

ON ITV Em­merdale Live was the big­gest mo­ment in the soap’s 40-year his­tory, with an am­bi­tious plot full of dra­matic twists.

So it was a shame that I spent most of the hour-long episode won­der­ing where the bloody hell I’d seen that mid­wife be­fore.

An­swer – it was our Rita, from Jonny Briggs. (Re­lated fact: Jonny’s beloved Raz­zle later went on to play “Chalky” in the first three se­ries of Rick Stein’s Food Heroes.) MEMO to Chan­nel 4 about your

fundraiser. Even if this does lead to a cure, this does NOT make us even over the whole Gok Wan thing. “THE more the world is chang­ing,” Cilla Black used to croon at the end of ev­ery

“The more it stays the same.”

That nugget of wis­dom is even truer to­day than it was in the 1980s. And do you know why? Be­cause the timid, bean-count­ing cretins who run tele­vi­sion keep mak­ing re­hashed ver­sions of the SAME OLD SHITE!

Re-mak­ing Sur­prise Sur­prise!, as ITV1 has with Holly Wil­loughby ( right) at the helm, is not just scrap­ing the bot­tom of the bar­rel.

No, it ac­tu­ally scrapes through the bot­tom of the bar­rel then bores into the earth in search of the near­est cesspit, where it is shunned by the other turds for stink­ing the joint out.

At least the orig­i­nal ver­sion was a pub­lic ser­vice, of sorts, help­ing peo­ple to find long-lost rel­a­tives.

But nowa­days we have the in­ter­net to sort that sh*t out. In the age of Face­book, the only “long lost” rel­a­tives are those who wish to re­main so, prob­a­bly to avoid spend­ing any more time with the sort of sad sacks who would sit in a draughty stu­dio watch­ing be­ing filmed.

Why do you think they moved to Canada in the first place? Take a hint!

Sun­day night’s se­ries opener had no sob sto­ries but plenty of “So?” sto­ries – a nice lad over­com­ing his fear of roller­coast­ers (So?), a cou­ple who’d lost their wed­ding video (So?), a woman who looked af­ter her dad be­fore he died (So?). The only en­ter­tain­ing mo­ment was the look on the wed­ding video cou­ple’s faces when they were con­fronted by the tat­tooed skin­head who found it.

At that stage, they did not know what was go­ing on and you could see them think­ing: “Please don’t let him be that kid we gave up for adoption.”

Even the qual­ity of co-host has slumped.

Cilla had Bob Carol­gees with Spit the Dog while Holly gets Kian from Westlife. It’s as if they have re­placed the offensive pup­pet but not its han­dler.

The sole bless­ing was that lovely Holly was not forced to sing the theme tune. The only time we need to see Holly war­bling about “the un­ex­pected hits me be­tween the eyes” is when, please God, her sex tape is even­tu­ally leaked.

Sur­prise Sur­prise!

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