Robot sex? R2D2 could have done a better job!
DESPERATE dad Tyrone kidnapped baby Ruby and did a runner from Coronation Street.
He chose to lay low in North Wales, which was a genius move.
The police could do all the televised appeals they like but nobody in Anglesey would ever see it. They’re all too busy watching Pobol y Cwm, which is particularly gripping this week (with the price of heating oil increased by 2p per litre, care home manager Eryl is considering whether to change his supplier).
Sadly he was dobbed in by fellow fugitive Fiz, the Bonnie to his Clyde – although she looks more like the Clyde to his Philo Beddoe in Any Which Way But Loose.
Now poor Ty is in real trouble – assuming the Welsh agree to his extradite him to England. THE first series of the brilliant
kicked off with a bloke being forced to f*** an actual pig – and managing to do the deed.
The second series, on Channel 4 this week, began with a different chap being asked very nicely to f*** the gorgeous Hayley Atwell – and the dozy bastard couldn’t get it up!
Jesus, talk about an injustice. No wonder people say this dark sci-fi show is upsetting. I cried myself to sleep over that one.
The dweeb in question was Ash (Domhnall Gleeson), a tech-addict more interested in stroking his smartphone than his missus Martha (Atwell).
When Ash dies in a car crash, Martha turns to computer wizardry to bring him back to “life”.
Special software creates an online version of Ash which uses old emails, Tweets, Facebook updates and the like to copy his personality and communicate with loved ones.
The basic level “Ash” can only send emails but grieving Martha soon upgrades to the advanced package, in every sense of the word: a perfectly realistic robot-doll which looks, talks and walks exactly like her dead fella.
In fact, this one is even better because it has no “floppy disk” issues, achieving a stiffy at the touch of a button. I guess you would call that an iRection.
“I perform a set routine based on pornographic videos,” said Robot Ash, which is not a chat-up line that has ever worked for me.
Anyway, it must have been some retro porn he uploaded because he just did her vigorously in the missionary position.
What, no A2M? No DP? Not even a pop shot?
It was supposed to be a futuristic drama but this robot was f***ing like my old ZX Spectrum.
Robot
Eventually Martha grew tired of her computerised man and just kept him in the attic for weekends and special occasions.
That seemed like a waste of cash, as we were told that Robot Ash was very expensive.
That is why I am developing a budget version for men who cannot afford to pay top dollar for a hi-tech robot doll.
So it’s basically a jiffy bag full of chopped liver and a Tomy Speak & Spell. RRP £49.99.
Perfect for if your missus dies, or just pops out to the shops for ten minutes.
Do you want one?