What a load of hog Walsh!

Rob’s stag do a real shocker

JUDY Murray made an intriguing confession on she conquers her stage fright by imagining that she is the Hollywood actress Sharon Stone.

That is not to be confused with fellow contestant Alison Hammond, who imagines that she is (just) 20 stone.

There is an obvious difference between Judy Murray and Sharon Stone.

The sultry American actress is famous for THAT fanny-flashing scene in – whereas we get to see close-up shots of Scot Judy’s famous growler all the time. Whenever he plays tennis. ITVBe guff Seven Days With... saw the cameras spend a week with ex-Westlife crooner Bryan McFadden and his missus, Vogue.

Yes, Vogue, as in the Madonna song “Come on, Vogue!” – although she probably only lets him do that on birthdays and at Christmas.

Vogue is an Irish model, which means that she is very pretty and likes to go out boozing, then tackle the hangover with a full fry-up. Oh yes, and she loves cleaning the house. “I’m not special, just very lucky,” says Bryan.

No f**king kidding. I wonder if he ever wakes up in a cold sweat and thinks: “Shiiiiit, I could still be married to Kerry Katona!” BRADLEY Walsh larked about on a mobility scooter on ITV1’s latest game show If you’ve never seen one, it is an embarrassing vehicle which moves incredibly slowly and is beloved by the elderly and infirm. And so is a mobility scooter! Walsh opened his first episode with surely the most crap catchphrase in game show history: “Would you swap or drop to keep it in the family?” It sounds like something you might say to your missus when you’re on the vinegar strokes. “I’M NEARLY THERE, LUV! QUICK, SHALL I SWAP OR DROP?!”

“You’d better swap. I forgot to take my pill this morning and there’s no way I want to keep it in the family with you.”

Walsh claims he only agreed to host this show because he’d never seen anything like it before.

That seems odd, because you might think the man who recently fronted a four-part documentary called Come On Down! The Game Show BOFFINS reckon the UK stag and hen party industry is worth around £275million per year, with gangs of us going batshit crazy in places like Brighton, Brum or Benidorm. So where do you think

Rob and Tracy held their stag and hen dos this week?

Yep, Tracy had a karaoke night at the Rovers – woop woop! – while Rob stayed in with his sister Carla.

Yes, you read that right. He stayed in. With. His. Sister.

Outside of the American Deep South, what kind of stag do involves the groom’s sister?! Yes, even if she does look like Carla!

Around the time he should have been Story might have glanced at some classic shows like The Generation Game, Family Fortunes, Noel’s House Party and Child’s Play.

This show borrows heavily from all of those, then adds its own twist by dragging out a pair of low-rent celebrities – this week it was various Emmerdale cast members – to offer alternative prizes.

The contestant gets to choose which prize they want by pulling a giant lever and dropping one of the celebs through a trapdoor.

How can Bradley say he’s never seen that before?! Surely most red-blooded British blokes have stood, rod in their hand, wondering whether to pull it for Bernice or Alicia? That is most Monday nights, right?

Cheesy

Anyway, I feel bad for having a pop at Walsh because it is he who holds this dross together. Like Michael Barrymore in his pomp – but definitely not in his pool – Walsh is a time-served entertainer who knows how to tease contestants without being a bully.

So, yes, Keep It In The Family is totally naff, cheesy, derivative bobbins – but I have to admit I still kinda liked it.

Jesus, what have I become? I’ll take my mobility scooter in blue, please. gleefully motorboating a lapdancer, Rob was tearfully confessing to Tina’s murder.

“I sometimes look at Tracy’s face in bed and see Tina’s,” he wept.

You say that like it’s a bad thing, Rob. Just give it five years of marriage, matey, and you’ll be putting ANYONE’S face there. Even Emily Bishop will get a turn.

Rough

So now Rob faces a real dilemma – a choice between a life in prison or marriage to Tracy.

One will be a gruelling slog peppered with violence, intimidation and rough anal sex.

But then prison is no picnic, either.