What a load of hog Walsh!

Rob’s stag do a real shocker

Midweek Sport - - NEWS -

JUDY Mur­ray made an in­trigu­ing con­fes­sion on she con­quers her stage fright by imag­in­ing that she is the Hol­ly­wood ac­tress Sharon Stone.

That is not to be con­fused with fel­low con­tes­tant Ali­son Ham­mond, who imag­ines that she is (just) 20 stone.

There is an ob­vi­ous dif­fer­ence be­tween Judy Mur­ray and Sharon Stone.

The sul­try Amer­i­can ac­tress is fa­mous for THAT fanny-flash­ing scene in – whereas we get to see close-up shots of Scot Judy’s fa­mous growler all the time. When­ever he plays ten­nis. ITVBe guff Seven Days With... saw the cam­eras spend a week with ex-Westlife crooner Bryan McFadden and his mis­sus, Vogue.

Yes, Vogue, as in the Madonna song “Come on, Vogue!” – although she prob­a­bly only lets him do that on birthdays and at Christ­mas.

Vogue is an Ir­ish model, which means that she is very pretty and likes to go out booz­ing, then tackle the hang­over with a full fry-up. Oh yes, and she loves clean­ing the house. “I’m not spe­cial, just very lucky,” says Bryan.

No f**king kid­ding. I won­der if he ever wakes up in a cold sweat and thinks: “Shi­i­i­iit, I could still be mar­ried to Kerry Ka­tona!” BRADLEY Walsh larked about on a mo­bil­ity scooter on ITV1’s lat­est game show If you’ve never seen one, it is an em­bar­rass­ing ve­hi­cle which moves in­cred­i­bly slowly and is beloved by the el­derly and in­firm. And so is a mo­bil­ity scooter! Walsh opened his first episode with surely the most crap catch­phrase in game show his­tory: “Would you swap or drop to keep it in the fam­ily?” It sounds like some­thing you might say to your mis­sus when you’re on the vine­gar strokes. “I’M NEARLY THERE, LUV! QUICK, SHALL I SWAP OR DROP?!”

“You’d bet­ter swap. I for­got to take my pill this morn­ing and there’s no way I want to keep it in the fam­ily with you.”

Walsh claims he only agreed to host this show be­cause he’d never seen any­thing like it be­fore.

That seems odd, be­cause you might think the man who re­cently fronted a four-part doc­u­men­tary called Come On Down! The Game Show BOFFINS reckon the UK stag and hen party in­dus­try is worth around £275mil­lion per year, with gangs of us go­ing bat­shit crazy in places like Brighton, Brum or Benidorm. So where do you think

Rob and Tracy held their stag and hen dos this week?

Yep, Tracy had a karaoke night at the Rovers – woop woop! – while Rob stayed in with his sis­ter Carla.

Yes, you read that right. He stayed in. With. His. Sis­ter.

Out­side of the Amer­i­can Deep South, what kind of stag do in­volves the groom’s sis­ter?! Yes, even if she does look like Carla!

Around the time he should have been Story might have glanced at some clas­sic shows like The Gen­er­a­tion Game, Fam­ily For­tunes, Noel’s House Party and Child’s Play.

This show bor­rows heav­ily from all of those, then adds its own twist by drag­ging out a pair of low-rent celebri­ties – this week it was var­i­ous Em­merdale cast mem­bers – to of­fer al­ter­na­tive prizes.

The con­tes­tant gets to choose which prize they want by pulling a gi­ant lever and drop­ping one of the celebs through a trap­door.

How can Bradley say he’s never seen that be­fore?! Surely most red-blooded Bri­tish blokes have stood, rod in their hand, won­der­ing whether to pull it for Ber­nice or Ali­cia? That is most Mon­day nights, right?

Cheesy

Any­way, I feel bad for hav­ing a pop at Walsh be­cause it is he who holds this dross to­gether. Like Michael Bar­ry­more in his pomp – but def­i­nitely not in his pool – Walsh is a time-served en­ter­tainer who knows how to tease con­tes­tants with­out be­ing a bully.

So, yes, Keep It In The Fam­ily is to­tally naff, cheesy, de­riv­a­tive bobbins – but I have to ad­mit I still kinda liked it.

Je­sus, what have I be­come? I’ll take my mo­bil­ity scooter in blue, please. glee­fully mo­tor­boat­ing a lap­dancer, Rob was tear­fully con­fess­ing to Tina’s mur­der.

“I some­times look at Tracy’s face in bed and see Tina’s,” he wept.

You say that like it’s a bad thing, Rob. Just give it five years of mar­riage, matey, and you’ll be putting ANY­ONE’S face there. Even Emily Bishop will get a turn.

Rough

So now Rob faces a real dilemma – a choice be­tween a life in prison or mar­riage to Tracy.

One will be a gru­elling slog pep­pered with vi­o­lence, in­tim­i­da­tion and rough anal sex.

But then prison is no pic­nic, ei­ther.

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