Slagging off my female neighbour turns her on

Dear Ashleigh,

I HAD a huge row with my neighbour’s wife over a parking space, during which I called her a “slag”.

I saw her a few days later and, feeling guilty, I apologised and asked her in for a brew.

She must be pushing 50 but before I realised what I was doing I started to compliment her on her figure, and she responded by saying she thought I was a handsome guy – then suddenly we were kissing.

She said she was going to suck me off and gave me a blowjob before she wriggled out of her panties and bent over the kitchen table.

As I rammed into her sopping minge we heard her hubby’s car pull up outside and she hurriedly left through the back door.

Now she wants more cock and is threatening to tell her hubby if I don’t comply. Help! WL, north London

Ashleigh says…

TELL her to f**k off.

Dear Ashleigh,

MY problem is, I have a frightfully large member. Doctors say it’s the biggest they’ve ever seen. All very well, but unfortunately every woman I’ve been with has cried off in shock and I’m still a virgin. How can I get this monstrous tool of mine wet. I’m 56, by the way. HP, East Sussex

Ashleigh says…

USE a dating site and be up front about it.