AFTER BEING CAUGHT BOOZING WITH YET ANOTHER GIRL...

COLEEN: Ay, our Wayne! Is it true? WAYNE: Is what true? C: Have you been out on da piss with some floozy? It’s in de papers. W: Ah ay, our Coleen. Don’t be like dat…it’s not like what dey’re saying, like. I’m dead innocent me. C: So you weren’t out boozing with some American tart last night? W: Well yeah, I was, like, but it’s not like I was knobbing her. She wuz dead nice to me, and give us a lift. C: She’s not nice. She. Is. A Tart. W: Nuttin’ happened, luv! I swear. C: So you just had a drink? Is dat all den, is it? W: Yeah. And der’s no need to be nasty about her, is der? She’s not a tart, she’s just a nice barmaid. C: She. Is. A. Tart. W: Ay! Ay! Calm down, our Coleen! C: I won’t bleedin’ calm down! How many times are you gonna do dis to me, our Wayne? W: I’ve dun nuttin’! C: Really? W: Well, apart from dat granny in de brothel. C An dat’s it, is it? W: Well, der was dem hookers, too… C: And? W: And dat berd when I got done for drink drivin’. C: And? W: What? Dat’s it! C: Dat’s everythin’ you ever done wrong, is it? W: Well, not everything. C: Look, you’d better just get it all out now. I can’t keep doing dis with you, Wayne! W: Well, I did come up with de idea to put dat thing on de bus about the NHS money and Brexit. C: Huh?! W: Well, I mean, you could say dat Brexit might be my fault. C: You wha?! W: And den I told Theresa May dat de Backstop would be a good idea, so dat was a bit stupid, like. C: What are you goin’ on about? W: And do you remember dem boys dat were trapped in dat cave in Thailand? Well, I told dem to go in der. And every time I phone George R Martin I keep catching him in the middle of an idea for the next Game of Thrones book, which he then forgets. And do you remember when Keith Chegwin got his cock out for dat TV show? Well, I told him it dat was a really good idea. And I told Horne and Corden dey’re sketch show was dead ace, like. And dat Emoji movie, I funded it. And remember when May had dat election for no reason? Well, I told her to do dat. C: Is dat it? W: Well, er, technically no. I did accidentally start ISIS, ended Myspace and it’s my fault Apple got rid of the headphone jack. C: Is dat it?! W: Er, yeah. C: Well, I forgive ya. Anyway, I’m off on holiday now…bye!