Missus is calling me out after one night stand

I HAD to laugh when I visited a pal of mine who’s in the sex industry last month.

She said her previous client had been a bloke aged about 75, and though she tried for over an hour she failed to stiffen the eager old chap’s limp old chap.

She claimed she’d tried wanking him with oil and even licked his balls, but without any success.

Then she did a striptease for him, talked absolute filth, let him sniff her panties and even sat on his face, but nothing she could do could get the old boy’s penis to step up to the plate, as it were.

Frustrated and angry with himself, he apologised and said alcohol was probably to blame and that he had better get hold of some Viagra for his next visit to her.

When she asked him when he’d last had a drink he told her it was when his wife left him...in 1993!

Sam says…

TELL her it got nicked!

CT, Berks

YOU’VE got to give the old chap full marks for trying.

THERE is a barmaid in my local who gives blowjobs for a tenner and will let anyone shag her for £50.

I’ll be the first to admit it’s not the most classy of establishments but I’ve been going there regularly for years, especially since this lovely, keen and hardworking brunette started behind the bar.

I’ve boned her five times in recent weeks. It’s usually in the gents, and there is always a queue, but she gives excellent value and lets me take my time with her.

I love the way I can cup her massive tits as I back-scuttle her over one of the bogs. She has this lovely technique of reaching between her legs and giving my balls a squeeze, which seems to make me harder and come like an express train.

I’m 60, and have been divorced three times but would love to have her as my new wife. She’s 25, single and has got four kids. Do you think I should ask for her hand in marriage?

GO for it. If you don’t ask, you don’t get!

I WENT to a fantastic bash last week and ended up shagging a really tasty brunette who was wearing a see-through blouse, a leather mini-skirt and black stockings.

It seems she was he was an old college pal of the party’s host and was visiting from London specially.

As I chatted to her it was all I could do to stop myself from staring at her enormous tits, which were braless beneath her top, but I’m sure she knew that.

I moved in close to her and she was immediately responsive, and when I suggested we go upstairs to see if we could find a quiet

GH, Hants bedroom, she was well up for it, discreetly giving my cock a squeeze through my jeans by way of confirmation.

Once we found a bed we stripped off and she went wild for my eight-incher, taking it in all of her lovely orifices.

It was strictly a one-night stand for both of us, because we’ve both got regular partners, and I don’t plan to see her again.

The problem is I left my phone there and my missus wants to know where it is.

HR, Gwent