JUSTIN DUNN’S ROOM 101 Why can’t politicians keep it in their pants?
WHAT’S ANNOYING HIM THISS WEEK? ?
IT’S always the quiet ones...
Yet this Matt Hancock sex stuff is astonishing precisely because he is arguably the last man on earth you’d expect to be getting his dick wet anywhere outside of his marital bedroom.
We could expect Boris Johnson to be caught with his crumpled pants down and dripping fat boy sweat and blond hair dye over some winsome office aide he, er, later marries.
Or nabbing Bojo’s former right hand extraterrestrial Dominic Cummings with six green alien fingers quivering over the nuclear button.
Those are scenarios we might take in our stride, like the nation did when Phil Schofield came out as gay and all we wondered was why he was the last to know.
But Matt Hancock? A shagger? With that face? Seriously?
Thrusting
He has all the charm and charisma of a flatpack MFI kitchen cabinet long since fly-tipped into a layby by traveller types, then covered in discarded bags of dog shit.
Not quite the thrusting swordsman who’s been secretly shagging himself silly through the apocalypse while his wife was at home serving spaghetti to their three children.
It’s said that power can be an aphrodisiac, but you don’t see traffic wardens being chased down the street by women demanding their bare arses get roughly slapped with a ticket.
So what is it about politicians?
In recent-ish history there’s been David Blunkett, Robin Cook, John Prescott, David Mellor, Alan Clarke, Paddy Ashdown.
We had Chris Bryant, a gay vicar-turned MP advertising himself on Grindr in his undies.
And former Welsh Secretary Ron Davies, who fessed up to a “moment of madness” by hooking up with a guy on Clapham Common.
And then again a couple of years later when he had another “moment of madness”, photographed emerging from roadside bushes with another man, claiming they’d been looking for badgers.
Even John “Dull” Major confessed to rogering Secretary of
State for Eggs Edwina Currie while wife Norma prepared his peas supper back at their flat in Number 10.
And now Hancock, whose surname was seemingly invented for a political sex scandal, joins the list.
Talk now is that he could even make a spectacular return to the cabinet later this year on the grounds that perma-semi Boris can hardly criticise him for getting his rocks off.
All eyes now on Theresa May. With this lot, you never know…