JUSTIN DUNN’S ROOM 101 What’s the point of these ‘boffins’?

WHAT’S ANNOYING HIM THIS WEEK?

IF your missus is getting right on your tits again but is also an enthusiastic fan of toast, I may have a solution…

Book a couple of tickets to the US, look for the signpost marked “Maine” and point your nose in that direction.

I can offer three interesting facts about Maine:

1. Even though acclaimed horror writer Stephen King lives here, there are no killer clowns in its drains.

2. They like eating lobsters called, highly originally, Maine lobsters.

3. But not nearly as much as they love scoffing margarine.

And why would any of this matter? Because of “scientists” and “researchers”, that’s why.

We are now used to the idea of our youngsters trotting off to university to indulge themselves in three years of accumulative debt creation up to around £50,000.

We accept that in return for that we will then be able to approach the bar at the Dog and Duck and proudly declare that Justin Jr has achieved a 2nd in David Beckham Studies.

Eyeliner

We know that the lecturers will be on strike for most of those three years and that if the Government doesn’t lock our expensive offspring up for at least an entire one of them, with no discount, at least they’ll also eventually return home, not only with goth jumpers and eyeliner, but with healthy doses of anxiety and depression and a feeling that the world will end in two days’ time because that’s what one of their blue-haired lecturers told them, during an otherwise vital Zoom lesson on the merits of a quickly taken free kick from 42 yards out in a crosswind.

Whether or not any of that is of any use to your child, to the uni, to fellow students, to education, or to mankind in general, is merely by the by.

It may very well render the produce of your genes as capable for life in the 21st century as chocolate is to the creation of fireguards, and further human enlightenment by not even the slightest of increments. But that’s not the point. Because at least the kid will have had “the experience” of hanging out with rich left-wing acne-ridden dickheads called Tarquin who will believe any old shit if it’s coming out of a socialist’s mouth.

Like dangling from motorway bridges, chucking glitter, pretending a man is a woman, glueing themselves to grandma, shrieking about demands wanted and when, and, like gurning maniacs, adoring some weird trading set-up in Brussels, are all somehow good ideas to save the world.

Just like stripping off and streaking at footy and cricket matches in the 1970s led to the collapse of the Berlin Wall – well, in their demented minds, anyway.

Which brings me rather smoothly – margarine smoothly – back to Maine, that windswept place in the most north-easterly of the United States.

Divorced

According to figures from the US Department of Agriculture and published in January’s edition of The Journal of Culinary Chemistry and Sociological Studies, there is direct correlation between how many people get divorced in Maine and how many people eat margarine.

A “fact” so useless that it is beyond comprehension – and which, actually, it is, because that’s merely what an Artificial Intelligence programme has deduced after having crunched some entirely random numbers.

Thanks to AI, we can now find any old statistics to back up any old argument, no matter how mad, irrelevant, or nonsensical.

But when the computer says “yes” to its own insane questions, that’s when we need to worry.

And besides, an prefers butter. justin@sundaysport.co.uk

@justindunn