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Time to over indulge again, to binge, but do not overdose on sprouts. We have to look after this dear old planet, climate change is happening and so think before you fart, or blame it on the dog. Remember a dog is for Christmas and not for life… in the whole ‘fart blame game’ world. So on to the black rectangle on the wall, turn it on, turn zombie mode on and tune into the following.
It’s Christmas Eve and Murder on the Orient Express (1140-1345hrs, BBC Two). One person you can rule out, who categorically did not commit the murder, was at a birthday party at
Pizza Express in Woking on that particular day...
Planes, Trains and Automobiles (December 24, 2100-2300hrs, Sky One). Boris Johnson says we are going to be carbon neutral by 2050,
I’m hoping we will be fantasy bullsh*t neutral by 2020. Steve Martin plays a shower curtain ring salesman, a dream career back in 1987, and still got to be up there with astronaut, and, errr, Formula 1 driver surely.
The big day has arrived, Christmas Day. Family driving you up the wall? Presents disappointing? Then skip Her Majesty’s recorded Christmas message, tune into ITV3 and binge watch 12 hours of Carry on films… Carry on Abroad begins at 1025hrs followed by Matron, Camping, Up the Khyber, Doctor and Girls as
Sid James brings a colourful perspective of a time gone by.
Now get back in the real world with an hour of reality in 24 Hours in A&E (2310hrs, More4). The packed waiting rooms and lack of available beds will have you thinking of tuning back into Barbara Windsor’s naughty antics. If you’re still not feeling very festive/panicking/feeling more depressed about life then the perfect tonic is here. Home Alone 2: Lost In New York (1655-1910hrs, Channel 4). To remind you of the true meaning of Christmas. Or it can remind one that staying in New York for a short period of time was a big mistake even if you still don’t regret it. But with the benefit of all the hindsight that one can have it was definitely the wrong thing to do. But at the time I felt it was the honourable and right thing to do…!
Boxing Day can mean only one thing, yes apart from turkey sandwiches and small talk with Uncle Roger... it’s football and Premier League action! Amazon Prime has nine live games, which at times might feel like they’re frozen in time while VAR examines the ‘if the shadow of a rogue armpit hair is slightly offside’. One game stands out as being the jewel in the crown when Liverpool take on Leicester at the King Power stadium (2000hrs).
People are already talking about this game deciding the title… well I am anyway!
Now I understand you’re not all football fans, so if you’re up for a laugh then watch One Foot in the Algarve (December 26, 2100hrs, BBC Four). This feature-length feast of disasters will have you crying with laughter as Victor does not believe in such things as a plague of mice, rising damp and a troublesome boxer... all while trying to enjoy a holiday in Portugal. The photographer Martin Trout is played by the late comic genius Peter Cook.
Top Gear Nepal Special, (December 29, 2100hrs, BBC Two). The gang head up the Himalayas in a Renault 4, then break down. Normally this would be a nightmare, but it’s an entertaining road trip, and things would go wrong with the show if nothing went wrong with the cars. The original guys are also back on boats in
The Grand Tour Presents:
Seamen (available on Amazon Prime now). Cock ups assured as the seamen go flat out across the Mekong Delta.
It’s New Year’s Eve and Jurassic Park (December 31, 1825hrs, ITV2) is on. Imagine being trapped on an island populated by a load of Cgigenerated (sorry, genetically recreated) dinosaurs. Luckily, Jeff Goldblum keeps everyone calm and relaxed: I think he knows they’re not real.
With only hours left of 2019 watch the end of it (2325hrs BBC1). As it’s the turning of not just a year, but also a fresh new decade, expect the firework display outside Big Ben to extend to possibly a dozen Catherine wheels and maybe nine Roman candles… this will all be live on BBC1 with Craig David singing his little heart out before the silence of Big Ben, as it’s currently not working and dismantled! Bongs will be replaced with old bongs from a hidden tape recorder and a very large subwoofer speaker.
New Year’s Day. It’s the year 2020, now let’s get Brexit done… similar to Mission Impossible – Fallout (2100hrs, Channel 4). Now into the fourth year of Brexit negotiations, Tom Cruise would’ve been assassinated long ago if he was running the UK.