Chris Pas­coe’s Fun Tales

You will be able to see right through Chris’s lat­est mad­cap ad­ven­ture…

My Weekly - - Contents -

It’s good to have doors. While that open­ing sen­tence is about as blind­ingly ob­vi­ous as it’s pos­si­ble to be, I don’t think I ever re­alised just how great doors are – un­til I didn’t have any, that is.

So, why did my house sud­denly be­come so star­tling open-plan that it didn’t even have any doors? It all started when my wife Lor­raine chose a new set of in­ter­nal doors to re­place the filthy lumps of rot­ting wood we’ve had hang­ing off ev­ery door-frame for the last two decades.

A car­pen­ter, who I have to say was ab­so­lutely ex­cel­lent (I have to say that be­cause he told me to… and also be­cause he is ex­cel­lent) then came along, took all our old doors off and got called away on an emer­gency (not sure what emer­gency car­pen­try in­volves) leav­ing us with no doors for 48 hours.

While that sounds like a very mi­nor thing, it’s very hard to de­scribe the strange­ness of be­ing in a house with­out doors.

I first re­alised that sub­tle life­style changes had taken place when I was clan­des­tinely raid­ing the kitchen choco­late cup­board and Lor­raine called out “re­mem­ber your diet” from the bath­room.

She could see me from the bath­room. In fact, we could all see each other from ev­ery­where. Bod­min, our gi­ant

Ted the rab­bit could sud­denly see down­the length of the house

bruiser of an ex-stray tom­cat in­tently watched my ev­ery move around the house with a look of nar­row-eyed ha­tred (he didn’t mean any­thing by it, it’s just the only fa­cial ex­pres­sion he has) while Ted the rab­bit could now see down the whole length of the house from the gar­den.

It’s tes­ta­ment to Ted’s to­tal lack of in­ter­est in any­thing but hay that he turned his back on his new­found view of the world and stared at the back of his hutch wall for two days.

I re­alise I’m not very in­ter­est­ing to look at, but ap­par­ently a sin­gle piece of blank ply­wood has more crowd ap­peal. Great.

Noise was an­other prob­lem. With my daugh­ter study­ing for school tests, I was shushed when­ever I spoke, even from the other end of the house. In fact even my walk­ing silently past her door-less bed­room be­came a ma­jor an­noy­ance.

Also, my nor­mal crash­ing and clat­ter­ing around the house dis­tracted Lor­raine from her re­al­ity TV shows, un­able to shut the lounge door be­cause there wasn’t one, Re­al­ity in­ter­rupt­ing re­al­ity.

So, with a house of­fer­ing the op­por­tu­nity to see me from ev­ery an­gle, I dis­cov­ered that no­body wanted to see me un­less I stole choco­late (ex­cept a glar­ing cat of course) and no­body wanted to hear me speak un­less… um, well, just no­body wanted to hear me speak. Af­ter a his­tory of dis­as­trous book-plug­ging in­ter­views, many ra­dio sta­tions were al­ready well aware of that fact, even if I wasn’t.

Luck­ily, the new doors are in place now, and we can go back to hap­pily ig­nor­ing each other like all good fam­i­lies should. Life’s al­ways best when you can eat choco­late with­out heck­ling from the toi­let…

Out now! Our first ever FunTales Col­lec­tion!The World’sDaftest Rab­bit&Other Sto­ries is avail­able ex­clu­sively from WWW.DCTHOMSONSHOP. CO.UK for just £6.99.

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