Should We Make The Effort?
QI’ve been friends with Margaret for most of my adult life and we used to be very close – spending holidays together, exchanging Christmas presents etc. When my husband became ill, we started to see less of Margaret and her partner and now we hardly see them at all. It’s her 60th birthday soon and part of me thinks I should make one last effort, while another part of me is angry that she has cut us off. I’m not sure what to do.
AIt is always a shame when friendships change, especially one like yours where they are long standing. However, we are all different in how we react to changes. On the one hand, your energies will have been understandably devoted to your husband’s illness for a time, which will have changed the status quo. Or have you considered that Margaret may not be comfortable with illness and simply can’t cope? It may remind her of her
own mortality. It may be more practical. If you used to spend lots of time with your friend doing fun things these activities would surely have been curtailed. But is indeed a shame she wasn’t there to support you at your time of need. And yes, you do need to know the reason of the separation before throwing her a party. It doesn’t have to be a negative exchange. Why not meet her on her own “to catch up”? Contact her with a positive message without any hint of recrimination. This will set a good tone. If she responds, you can gently discuss how things used to be and where you are now. This will give you guidance on how to approach the subject of her birthday and how you want to do something special for her.
Don’t make any plans until you have spoken with her.
Have you considered that Margaret may not be comfortable with illness and can’t cope?